Dams breaking

Today’s post has been percolating for a few days.  It’s funny what happens when a dam breaks, there is an initial gush then a constant flow till whatever has come up passes.  I am not talking about water but rather, emotions.  I saw my counsellor last week and it seems I found a crack in the dam, the waters flowed and haven’t stopped since.  The tears come in spurts.  I have learnt that there is a thought before an emotion occurs.  Not the other way around.  All weekend, despite being with the man I love or maybe because of it, I was doing dam control.

I realized a lot of the stuff being kicked up was old.  Past pain, grief from when I was younger I guess.  I can identify all the thoughts which came before each burst.  I was watching the movie Twilight again and I lost it in two places.  One where Edward tells Bella he will love her forever and the other when she says death is easy, living is hard.  I am tired.  Emotionally wrung out.  Tired of battling my demons.  I know I need to allow myself to feel and release all this.  Name it, tame it, claim it right?  So much easier said than done.  Part of me is afraid, afraid that once I dip my toe in the murky stuff it will swallow me whole.  Irrational thought.  I have been in the murky hole, I know what it looks like and I’ve gotten myself out of it before.  I also know I have a choice, I can step out of it.  My body will only allow what I can handle to come.  I have to trust.

Other thoughts came on the weekend.  Thoughts like I’m tired of being so strong all the time and doing it all alone.  Thoughts like I miss my family or at least my idea of one.  Thoughts like I don’t like Sundays because it means the weekend and my time with the man I love is over.  I start shutting down when those thoughts come, protecting, wary.  All I wanted to do when I got home was curl up with my cat and keep the world at bay.

I got sick.  Really sick.  Being a reiki practitioner I believe in energy and the importance of looking after ones self before others.  I’ve learnt the lesson the hard way.  No matter what I did last night, whatever came over me laid me flat out.  My sinus flared, my head was in a vice grip and I got sick.  I had conversations with the Universe, nothing helped.  It was all I could do to make it to bed and stop the world from spinning.

I awoke a few hours later, the pain reduced to a dull ache, ate my favorite snack and read for hours till I drifted off again.  This morning the pain is gone but something lingers around the edges so I’m wary.  I know myself, I know my body manifests whatever it is I am processing and in the literal sense it manifests. 

I also know I’m going to be ok, that whatever happens I am going to be ok.  This too shall pass.  Furthermore it’s ok to feel what I’m feeling and to just be.  To reach out and ask for help.  Ask.  It defies the notion of being alone if you ask.  So I’m asking.  Universe bring it on.  I’m tired of going around in circles.  Bring me my opportunity.  I’m tired of being jobless, broke and worried about money.  Show me what it is I am meant to do and lead me to it please.

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Taking care of myself in more ways than one

Today’s post says it all.  I learnt a long time ago the importance of taking care of myself.  I’m no good to anyone, let alone myself, if I’m tired, sick or falling apart.  How good are we at taking care of ourselves really?  Especially those of us in the helping professions who give of ourselves.  How do you recharge your batteries?

Seems a simple question but I often wonder whether I do.  Case in point.  I’ve taken a job teaching skiing, a very good thing for me.  Gets me outside, in vitamin D land when the sun is out, gives me a sense of contributing and giving back by doing something I love.  I also discovered spending hours in a snowplow bent over kids comes at a physical expense.  Soreness with a capital S.  Hello muscles.  I thought I had rediscovered you a month ago when I got out on skis.  Well I’ve reached a whole new level of soreness and rediscovery.

So I’ve been taking good care of myself, eating well, lots of sleep and my favorite weapon: epsom salt baths.  This post is a story around them.  I could not get out of bed yesterday morning.  Rocking myself out of bed I wished I had someone to give me a hand.  Stairs were pure torture.  Sitting down is a controlled movement filled with ohhhs and ahhhs.  So I asked around and a friend of mine offered up his soaker tub and a rub down.  Sweet deal, no?  So I got my aching self over to his place.  The bath was fabulous, up to my chin in delicious lavender scented epsom salt water.  Next came the rubbing of muscles with goop.  The pain a necessary evil to release lactic acid, not to mention all the stored emotions in my body.  Grief takes its toll on bodies and goodness knows I’ve been through enough of that lately. 

So, all in all good until he took it upon himself to put the moves on me.  What? No!  Not what I had signed up for at all.  No way.  Now he and I had previously gotten together a year ago and at the time it was so about him it wasn’t even funny.  I walked away from the whole thing.  So yesterday as he kept putting pressure on me, I reasoned, he pressured, I reasoned some more, no go.  So I got myself up and out fast.  He apologized for being way out of line.  Um yeah, no kidding.  Is it hardwired in men that because a woman gets into their tub and they offer a massage that things are going to inevitably lead to sex?  What’s with that?  He even had the gall to say he didn’t want any emotional involvement to which I replied I wasn’t the same woman as I was a year ago.  For me, from now on, sex comes with emotion, involvement and ties.  No going back to old me.

So I may have put myself in a vulnerable position by trusting someone but I ultimately took care of myself.  I deserve more and better.  The universe is a master at testing my resolve and I passed with flying colors.