It’s been over 2 months since I’ve last written. Trust me when I say a LOT has happened since then. It’s been all for the good, though at some points I truly wondered whether it was. Hindsight truly is 20/20.
The catalyst for change began before I left for a 2 week holiday to the Bahamas.
I was working a high end retail job that no matter how hard I tried to convince myself was good just wasn’t for me. In a superfcial world of clothing making someone feel good about themselves is important but all the clothes in the world won’t fill the void inside. As a former shopaholic I know that all too well. So when it ended I was relieved.
I know that 2012 is about love and compassion. As a change agent, I cannot force change, instead I have to let people struggle or thrive and figure it out on their own while offering guidance when necessary. I could feel the change coming in December. I was no longer content with the status quo in my own life or in my relationship.
It’s fair to say that 2011 was a tough year for me by choice. I chose to hide. Hide from my power, hide from those who love me because I did not feel worthy and consequently hide from the world. It’s sad really but I truly believe it took the heartache, sadness and struggle to be where I am now.
My holiday was about perspectve and I got it in spades. It truly is possible to be miserable in paradise. The adage of wherever you go there you are holds true. There were moments of incredible beauty, joy and awe, however, it felt like I had work to do.
So I processed surrounded by my family. I got to practice letting go with love. I got to be triggered and have yet another opportunity for growth. I got to speak my truth and recite the serenity prayer over and over again. I got to experience laughter, love and joy too.
The most important outcome of the trip was twofold: I discovered my brother as an adult after a 20 year hiatus and I came back to myself.
So here I am standing in this new found space.
The decisions I made and goals I set for myself in the Bahamas are changing and evolving with the reality here in Ottawa. Instead of cutting out what doesn’t work, an old pattern, I have learnt to stay open and receptive and to work towards change with someone instead of alone.
It’s a pretty great space to be in.
I will keep you posted.