Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day.

A happy day for many. A day fraught with tension for some.

A reminder for me of what I don’t have: children.

At my age, with no significant other in sight, it’s pretty safe to say it most likely won’t happen. That doesn’t make it easy to see the bombardment on social media of happy Mother’s Day pictures of my friends with their children.

I didn’t have a sad day. On the contrary, I kept myself busy putting my garden in.

I’m grateful for all that I have in my life: my family, my friends, my home and my sweet fur baby. Focusing on what I can be grateful for helps.

Sending love and light to all those who had a challenging Mother’s Day for all sorts of reasons. This too shall pass.

Reflections

It’s been a tumultuous few weeks, I feel a shift in the air somehow.  Maybe it’s February and all its gifts, Valentine’s day, the Chinese New Year, the new moon or a combination thereof.  I feel restless, one of my clients informed me it’s the year of the tiger the other day and I’m a tiger, maybe that explains it.  It’s my year and I want my intentions to be focused, clear and good.

I’m looking at my life and reflecting on the year ahead, where I’d like my path to go and more importantly what’s missing.  I know what we focus on expands so I’m being very careful and asking myself instead what I want.  The answer is simple: love, peace and balance.  The how is more challenging but I know the Universe lines up to deliver those gifts so I’m going to focus simply on what it is I want more precisely.

Love.  What does that mean? To be better able to love myself first and foremost.  It’s the little things: being gentle on myself, forgiving myself and being grateful.  That’s loving myself better.  I know once my vibration changes from my heart’s center, the Universe responds at a different level and delivers all sorts of gifts.  More importantly, my perception also changes and I see and feel love more readily.  I spoke of abundance as my word of the year.  I want to shower myself in love, I feel this to be my greatest challenge. 

Peace.  Ah peace you are so elusive to me.  As my beloved yoga teacher often says we know peace in the moments it leaves us.  Peace is fleeting, it rests gently on my shoulders like a soft veil and the next moment it is gone.  I treasure the moments of peace I get, whether it’s walking in nature, lost in painting, listening to music or skiing.  My new meditation practice has already brought me peace.  I sit with myself, quiet my mind and focus on a mantra and I’m gone.  It’s like following a furrow at first, then monkey mind takes over, thoughts come and go, I refocus on my mantra and I come back to center.  At the end of my meditation sessions in the morning and at night, I feel more peaceful, centered and grounded.  It’s incredible, I’ve just begun and I can feel the difference already.

Balance.  My ultimate outcome, the one I so greatly desire.  My life seems to be ruled by an emotional rollercoaster.  I am who I am because of my emotions and the intensity with which I feel.  I am highly kinesthetic, and so a big feeler.  It’s how I process information first.  It’s a gift, I’m like a big kid most of the time, truly young at heart, intense, caring, I wear my heart on my sleeve, very much alive.  It’s what makes me such a great artist and person, however, it’s not always easy being a feeler.  I sometimes take things too personaly, I hurt myself and get hurt easily.  The depths of darkness, like sadness and anger scare me and I watch myself so I don’t slip into them.  I know they are just feelings, how important it is to process them and they too shall pass.  I will come out on the other side and be alright.  Balance like a pendulum swinging, always coming back to center, staying in the present moment, grounded.

Love, peace, balance.  A pretty good wish list don’t you think?

Reflections on January

It’s the end of the month.  A beautiful winter’s day, I’m looking forward to the day off to get a cross country ski in, to enjoy the silence and sound of my skis and the beauty of the woods surrounding me.

I’m feeling reflective.  I love winter, no surprise there.  Skiing is such an intrinsic part of my life, how can I not?  I’ve had some great days on snow and I’m hoping mother nature delivers more white fluffly stuff so I can have many many more.  I’m looking forward to February and a chance to skate on the canal and maybe indulge in a beaver tail.  I enjoy skating, the movement, going fast, the ice and the feel of winter on my cheeks.

I’m reflecting on my relationship in the past month.  How much better we are doing, we’ve had our ups and downs lately but I’m confident we’ll be stronger and better for our challenges.  The full moon was last night, I believe it has a huge influence on us.  More babies are born, my parademic and cop friends are busier.  The moon has an effect on tides.  We’re made of how much water?  Of course it affects us.  My partner and I are no exception.  I shore up for the full moon and wisely distance myself because of our history of fights and break ups last year around full moons.  I don’t believe in coincidences and we broke up around a lot of them so I tread carefully.  Strange isnt it?

I’m also reflecting on my friendships.  I seem to have lost a few friends in the past year, mostly due to my relationship.  I’ve lost three to be exact.  As much as I miss their presence, my relationship is a part of my life and it is their choice to not want to hear about it and therefore distance themselves from me.  I understand their reasoning fully but if that’s the case, they are not the kinds of friends I want.  Not sure whether I’m cutting them out because that’s a pattern in my family or I’m being realistic.  I’m surprisingly detached actually, I believe I’ve come a long way if I feel this way.  In the past I would have been upset, clung to them, made every effort to bridge our differences.  Not anymore.  If it’s meant to be this way then so be it.  Friends come and go, it’s part of life.  I’ve let them go. And I’m moving on.

I feel stronger, more grounded and fully present than I have in a long time.  It feels good to be in this space.  Thanks January for your beauty, the insights and lessons you’ve brought and the traces of peace I’ve felt.  Welcome February and the gifts you have yet to bring.

Reflections on taming demons

Today’s post isn’t going to be on dating.  I’m in a subdued, reflective mood.  You see tomorrow night is medallion night, in recovery circles it’s a graduation of sorts.  A chance to be recognized for the work done in recovering the missing pieces of self.  Tomorrow night is my graduation night, a celebration of a year’s worth of group therapy.  You see I’m a daddy’s girl and my dad just happens to be an alcoholic.  This doesn’t make me love him any less, he’s human like the rest of us and has his own demons.  It has affected me in ways big and small.

Tomorrow night I plan to stand up and receive my medallion and say a few words.  Words of thanks to an organization that has brought me the greatest gift, my salvation.  My journey started three years ago when my father threatened to disown me after I had spent more money than I had and plowed myself into debt.  Spending was my therapy, my way of trying to fill the void deep inside me.  I still remember that night, it will forever be seared into my memory because it was the only time I saw my father cry.  The pain and shame I felt that night I never wish to feel ever again. 

Two year long rounds of group therapy and countless sessions of counselling later I am a changed person with a deep awareness of my path and a great appreciation for the work I’ve done and how far I’ve come.  I’m not the same person I was when I started down this path, I’m a better person, more healthy, happier and whole.  I’ve faced my demons, looked them straight in the eyes and taken them on, one by one. 

I’ve faltered along the way, falling back into old patterns with men, however, the incidents are fewer and farther apart and my time extricating myself from them has shortened.   Progress.  I’ve also found glimmers of what I was ultimately seeking: peace.  Profound, deep and blissful peace.  The moments are fleeting but present nonethteless.  So on the eve of this celebration I feel a profound gratitude and hope in what the future may bring.  There is light at the end of every tunnel.