Suffering

Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements sit in front of me.

The second agreement is not to take anything personally.

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say or do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. Finally, when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

I have been suffering. Tremendously.

What do you do when a parent, a loved one, someone you’re supposed to trust volleys words at you that hurt and cause pain? How do you recover from something like that?

I am not thick skinned. I am a sensitive. A big empath with a big heart.

Right now my heart is hurting. I know the suffering is self-induced but I can’t get the words out of my head.

Today I was listening to a documentary. The final words of the piece hit me like a giant wave. It was about being a good person despite bad circumstances. It was about forgiveness and hope.

It was all I could to hold myself while the tears came. Wave after wave of pain, crashing through me. I cried like a dam broke. There is this fear that comes with that level of emotion: “What if I won’t be able to stop?”

Counselors in the past have assured me that I’ll come through it. That my body will allow what is necessary to come up and out.

I’m still emoting.

I started a meditation class a week ago. I walked out of the class knowing there was no way I could come back. At least not right now. The teacher spoke of suffering, of Buddhist principles of non attachment. It was too much. I felt worse. I just could not handle that level of truth in this moment.

I am working one of the toughest steps of my program right now. I am writing on resentments. I get physically ill sometimes from the writing. My levels of frustration, perfection and rejection at the words I am writing come out full bore and manifest in my body. I get headaches that develop into migraines. Nausea and feeling like I’m going to throw up.

I know it’s better out than in but it’s like a Pandora’s Box. All these things that I’ve kept hidden are coming out and I’m shocked at how emotional I get despite so much time passing since the events happened.

I pray for the courage and the strength to pick up the pen and write every day. To see the words appear on paper, to get them out of my head and heart and to allow them to occupy space on a blank page.

One of my readings today spoke about the presumption of being good enough, worthy enough and lovable enough. That I am exactly the right kind of person, in the right place, at the right time.

I never grew up with that message. In fact, it was just the opposite.

It’s up to me to learn it, to voice it and live it.

 

 

 

 

Rest

Rest.

I’ve written of rest here before.

A client has come back to work with me. Her results are just not there.

This ski racer does well in training but can’t pull it together on race day. The good news story is this is a common occurrence.

As I spoke to her, the true story came out. I attract clients who often mirror what is going on in my own life or past life.

Turns out this kid is tired.

Her story is very similar to mine. Lots of pressure to succeed and a ticking time bomb.

I’m not sure if I’ve ever spoken of my story here. Well here it is:

I grew up in the Gatineau hills near a ski resort. My dad was a ski instructor, so my mum would bring the kids to the hill to spend time together as a family.

My mum taught us how to ski. I remember falling over so many times with her on the t bar. Getting my tongue stuck on the chairlift going up the hill. So many happy memories.

Once we were big enough, my dad took over. I was enrolled in the Nancy Greene program and started racing. I was a sociable kid stopping to say hi to people who were cheering me on.

I have spoken of my father and his influence on my ski racing career on this blog before. I was coached by my dad. He was the technical delegate at most of my races as I got older. He was the force behind me. Analyzing results and coaching me into the space I needed to deliver top performances.

Dad would tell me to back off and finish my second run when I had a commanding lead. I was a consistent podium finisher with my talent, drive and his support.

My father worked for the public service and passed up promotions so he could move us to Quebec City to access better coaching and a bigger pool.

The first year I arrived, I was on fire. I had finished in the top three in my region and had won a conditioning camp and a ski camp because of my results. After those camps, I headed to another ski camp with my new team.

I had the best coach of my life that year. Thank you Michel Paquette for your unwavering support and understanding. Things started to shift for me that year. I asked my coach to tell my parents not to watch my training runs. The pressure was building.

I used to race and beat Melanie Turgeon who went on to make the National Ski team. That was the talent I had. I worked tirelessly. We built a start gate in the back yard so I could practice my starts because I was still in the gate when I kicked back and the timer started.

I would come home after school, put my ski gear on and practice my starts in the dark back light from the light coming from the house. Driven? Yes. Determined? Yes. Hungry? Yes.

I did very well that year, podium finishing again. Then I shifted age categories and ended up with a punitive coach I could not relate to.

Things began to unravel quickly. Negative reinforcement was used by my parents to get me to work out. The sport that was my whole life began to shift.

It unraveled further when one day in economics class I burst into tears. I was a pressure cooker. Fortunately, my school had a psychologist but she wasn’t me. There were two options: to keep racing or to quit.

I chose to quit. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I packed up my trophies and medals on the shelf my father had built and stored them in the basement.

I do what I do today because of that story. Ski racing was my life. It was my passion but it became too much for one kid to handle.

Now I help amateur athletes like the ski racer I mentioned because I don’t want them to go through the pain, heartache and suffering I did.

My ski racer is at this choice point. All the resources money can buy. She is US Ski Team material the day she decides she wants it.

Coaches have said she is done. Her coach is very emotional and puts pressure on her. Her mom is advocating for her. It is HER talent.

She’s tired and needs a break from skiing while staying strong this summer with a conditioning plan.

I’ll be her vault, her safe space, a person to talk to who fully understands what she is going through.

I’ve got you kid.

It is YOUR talent. What you choose to do with it is up to you. Either way, I will support you.

 

 

Pain

Pain.

How does it manifest in your body?

A long time client had a bad fall ski racing. Here is her list of injuries: dislocated shoulder, fractured humerus, pulled ligament off the bone. Sprained medial collateral ligament and a bad bone contusion.

Thankfully there will be no surgery. In two weeks, once the swelling diminishes, she’ll start physiotherapy.

I’ll be with her every step of the way.

We are working on healing imagery together, visualizing herself healthy and whole.

Your body speaks your mind. It’ll make you pay attention if you’re not. The good news is you can also heal your life.

Pay attention to what your body is saying to you. There are reasons behind everything. Louise Hay has done ground breaking work in this area. I highly recommend checking her out.

No one is immune to imbalances. Take care of yourselves. Listen to your bodies. Pay attention. Love yourself into the parts that need compassion. Your body will shift and so will you.

 

 

Shift happens

Last night, on a patio by the water under a blanket of stars, I helped a friend shift.

My new friend believed that finding love was over for her.

She’s an amazing woman. Beautiful, smart, strong and sensitive. She’s raised two wonderful children on her own and thrown herself into a successful career.

In her fifties, having found love and having had her heart broken recently, she doesn’t want to get hurt again.

What a gift that love was. Now she knows there’s a possibility.

I helped move her through her limiting beliefs, into her emotions and her tears.

My friend is worthy of love. She will be alright and safe no matter what happens, however, nothing can happen if she doesn’t allow it to.

The image that came to mind was that a of a walled fortress with a drawbridge. Open the drawbridge I said. What’s the worse that can possibly happen?

She’s been dating but it’s been a series of misses. No kidding.

Healing happened last night. Shift happened.

I believe in the law of attraction. When you’re in a good space you will attract good things. Just as the reverse is also true.

My friend broke part of the shield that keeps her safe last night. I can’t wait to see what comes from it.

Being who she is, she’ll move through the rest of her process on her own.

I’m happy I was able to help her. To love her through her pain and know that she’ll come through it all transformed.

What a gift.

Injury

Injury.

It’s heart shattering for athletes isn’t it?

Having been through a severed achilles that sidelined me for the better part of a year, I know exactly how it feels.

I was speaking to one of my clients the other day who was playing through injury. He’s a tennis player and has a rotator cuff injury from overuse.

He’s had to cut back on playing significantly, however, he is playing in a tournament this weekend.

My question was: “Why are you still playing?”

He had done a camp the week before and played 35 hours of tennis. 35 HOURS with an injured rotator cuff. Um hello?

This is a kid who pushes himself to the extremes.

He told me a story where he had sprained not just one but both ankles on the court and refused to get off even though he was injured. An official begged him to get off, saying he’d happily refund him his money.

I was laughing so hard as he told me this story because I could just picture it.

We had a conversation around managing himself. About strategies to deal with the pain when it does come when he’s on the court in a match. To stop. To listen to his body. To give it the time it needs to heal.

I taught him how to do healing imagery to help his shoulder.

I reminded him of his breath, his court rituals and that he’s got this.

Sometimes that’s all you need isn’t it?

Someone to hear you, give you some strategies if needed and to believe in you.

How do you handle injury?

Dams breaking

Today’s post has been percolating for a few days.  It’s funny what happens when a dam breaks, there is an initial gush then a constant flow till whatever has come up passes.  I am not talking about water but rather, emotions.  I saw my counsellor last week and it seems I found a crack in the dam, the waters flowed and haven’t stopped since.  The tears come in spurts.  I have learnt that there is a thought before an emotion occurs.  Not the other way around.  All weekend, despite being with the man I love or maybe because of it, I was doing dam control.

I realized a lot of the stuff being kicked up was old.  Past pain, grief from when I was younger I guess.  I can identify all the thoughts which came before each burst.  I was watching the movie Twilight again and I lost it in two places.  One where Edward tells Bella he will love her forever and the other when she says death is easy, living is hard.  I am tired.  Emotionally wrung out.  Tired of battling my demons.  I know I need to allow myself to feel and release all this.  Name it, tame it, claim it right?  So much easier said than done.  Part of me is afraid, afraid that once I dip my toe in the murky stuff it will swallow me whole.  Irrational thought.  I have been in the murky hole, I know what it looks like and I’ve gotten myself out of it before.  I also know I have a choice, I can step out of it.  My body will only allow what I can handle to come.  I have to trust.

Other thoughts came on the weekend.  Thoughts like I’m tired of being so strong all the time and doing it all alone.  Thoughts like I miss my family or at least my idea of one.  Thoughts like I don’t like Sundays because it means the weekend and my time with the man I love is over.  I start shutting down when those thoughts come, protecting, wary.  All I wanted to do when I got home was curl up with my cat and keep the world at bay.

I got sick.  Really sick.  Being a reiki practitioner I believe in energy and the importance of looking after ones self before others.  I’ve learnt the lesson the hard way.  No matter what I did last night, whatever came over me laid me flat out.  My sinus flared, my head was in a vice grip and I got sick.  I had conversations with the Universe, nothing helped.  It was all I could do to make it to bed and stop the world from spinning.

I awoke a few hours later, the pain reduced to a dull ache, ate my favorite snack and read for hours till I drifted off again.  This morning the pain is gone but something lingers around the edges so I’m wary.  I know myself, I know my body manifests whatever it is I am processing and in the literal sense it manifests. 

I also know I’m going to be ok, that whatever happens I am going to be ok.  This too shall pass.  Furthermore it’s ok to feel what I’m feeling and to just be.  To reach out and ask for help.  Ask.  It defies the notion of being alone if you ask.  So I’m asking.  Universe bring it on.  I’m tired of going around in circles.  Bring me my opportunity.  I’m tired of being jobless, broke and worried about money.  Show me what it is I am meant to do and lead me to it please.