Suffering

Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements sit in front of me.

The second agreement is not to take anything personally.

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say or do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. Finally, when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

I have been suffering. Tremendously.

What do you do when a parent, a loved one, someone you’re supposed to trust volleys words at you that hurt and cause pain? How do you recover from something like that?

I am not thick skinned. I am a sensitive. A big empath with a big heart.

Right now my heart is hurting. I know the suffering is self-induced but I can’t get the words out of my head.

Today I was listening to a documentary. The final words of the piece hit me like a giant wave. It was about being a good person despite bad circumstances. It was about forgiveness and hope.

It was all I could to hold myself while the tears came. Wave after wave of pain, crashing through me. I cried like a dam broke. There is this fear that comes with that level of emotion: “What if I won’t be able to stop?”

Counselors in the past have assured me that I’ll come through it. That my body will allow what is necessary to come up and out.

I’m still emoting.

I started a meditation class a week ago. I walked out of the class knowing there was no way I could come back. At least not right now. The teacher spoke of suffering, of Buddhist principles of non attachment. It was too much. I felt worse. I just could not handle that level of truth in this moment.

I am working one of the toughest steps of my program right now. I am writing on resentments. I get physically ill sometimes from the writing. My levels of frustration, perfection and rejection at the words I am writing come out full bore and manifest in my body. I get headaches that develop into migraines. Nausea and feeling like I’m going to throw up.

I know it’s better out than in but it’s like a Pandora’s Box. All these things that I’ve kept hidden are coming out and I’m shocked at how emotional I get despite so much time passing since the events happened.

I pray for the courage and the strength to pick up the pen and write every day. To see the words appear on paper, to get them out of my head and heart and to allow them to occupy space on a blank page.

One of my readings today spoke about the presumption of being good enough, worthy enough and lovable enough. That I am exactly the right kind of person, in the right place, at the right time.

I never grew up with that message. In fact, it was just the opposite.

It’s up to me to learn it, to voice it and live it.

 

 

 

 

Grounding

How do you stay grounded when everything is swirling around you?

Lately it feels as though my life has been upended.

Everything I know has shifted. It’s a time of huge transformation in all facets of my life.

Of letting go of the old and having faith that what is coming will be amazing. It so will. I can feel it.

Where is the safest spot in a tornado? At its very center, that is where the calm lies.

It takes courage, strength and faith to believe that I will come through this completely transformed. I KNOW I will.

It’s MY time. To live the life I have always wanted. To be of service to as many as I can through my gifts in sports psychology.

No more hiding. No more playing small. No more dimming my light. NO MORE.

I have a vision. I have peeps who love me, keep me grounded and cheer me on. I have faith in a force greater than me that will manifest all my heart’s desires. I believe.

I have manifested plenty in my life. The power of intention is huge. Where your breath goes, your focus goes. What you focus on expands. Make it intentional, amazing and big.

I am so mindful of my word lately. Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements have come back into my life at the right time.

The first agreement is to be impeccable with your Word. “Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.”

I have been challenged by that agreement repeatedly lately about the words I say to myself. The itty bitty shitty committee is fierce lately. Shut up ego. Enough.

When this happens, I return to breath and breathe. Deep belly breaths and as many as it takes to come back to center and to me.

My return to a stronger yoga practice helps, meditation helps, walks help. Returning to breath in the midst of a tornado helps. Repeating to myself I am safe, I am love and I am peace.

It’s a challenge to stay grounded amidst whirling dervishes and transformation. Self-care is key.

Step by step, moment to moment and breath to breath.

Breathe. All will be well.

 

 

 

Pain

Pain.

How does it manifest in your body?

A long time client had a bad fall ski racing. Here is her list of injuries: dislocated shoulder, fractured humerus, pulled ligament off the bone. Sprained medial collateral ligament and a bad bone contusion.

Thankfully there will be no surgery. In two weeks, once the swelling diminishes, she’ll start physiotherapy.

I’ll be with her every step of the way.

We are working on healing imagery together, visualizing herself healthy and whole.

Your body speaks your mind. It’ll make you pay attention if you’re not. The good news is you can also heal your life.

Pay attention to what your body is saying to you. There are reasons behind everything. Louise Hay has done ground breaking work in this area. I highly recommend checking her out.

No one is immune to imbalances. Take care of yourselves. Listen to your bodies. Pay attention. Love yourself into the parts that need compassion. Your body will shift and so will you.

 

 

Breathing

It’s the end of the year. A time to reflect on all that has come to pass, find the lessons and set intentions for the new year.

What are your intentions? What do you want to manifest this year?

Take a moment to reflect. To be grateful and to dream.

In looking over the past year I can say that loss has featured prominently. I had to say goodbye to my beloved cat of many years. I had to say goodbye to a new love before anything could really come of it.

I’m still bruised and hurting from that last one.

That’s where breathing comes in.

When a song plays and stops me in my tracks and the tears come all I can do is breathe. When a memory surfaces and causes tears to flow all I can do again is breathe. When life gets to be too much and I can’t seem to take another step all I can do is breathe.

Breath. It slows everything down doesn’t it? It brings us back to ourselves. It grounds us and keeps us here in the present.

I have a lot to be grateful for in the past year. In the coming days I will sit with all this and set my intentions for 2016.

I urge you to do the same. What does the new year hold for you?

Set your intentions and watch them come to life.

May the new year bring you the desires of your heart.

 

 

 

 

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is almost here. It’s my favorite holiday because to me it’s about being grateful.

I am giving thanks for all the blessings in my life:

The freedom and opportunity of the country I live in.

The beauty of nature that surrounds me.

The love and support of my family and friends.

The safety and comfort of my home.

The fresh, nutritious food I eat.

The comfort and love of my darling cat Tabby.

The work I do with athletes, helping them find confidence in life through sport.

The wonderful art I create.

The list is endless.

What are you grateful for?

I do a gratitude practice every night. I list all the things I am grateful for every day.

I also have a gratitude jar on my kitchen table where I put notes of things I am grateful for.

Going to gratitude when life seems too much or things get hard reminds me of just how much I do have to be grateful for. What you focus on expands. Choose wisely, choose gratitude.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Words, words, words

Have you ever paid attention to your language?

The words that come out of your mouth? They are a direct reflection of your state of mind.

When I work with clients I notice the patterns of language. Is the chatter negative or positive?

If it’s negative, I often ask would you speak to your best friend the way you talk to yourself?

The answer universally is a soft no of realization.

Awareness, acceptance, action. It’s a three step process to change isn’t it?

Speak with integrity. I often hear the words killing me used all over the place. Really? Is it really killing you? Or I hate this or that. Hmm how about softening your approach?

Everything is energy. The words we speak to ourselves, to others, all of it matters.

Dr Masaru Emoto studied the effect of thoughts on water. Look him up, his work is amazing and life changing.

Essentially, love, prayer, and meditation can change the crystals of water, however, the reverse is also true.

What does that mean for us?

As humans we are composed of 70% water.

Ultimately it means that what we think creates our reality, not just emotionally but physically. Period.

Chose your thoughts wisely, speak with integrity. Set positive intentions and watch your world change.

The itty bitty shitty committee

Ah the itty bitty shitty committee. You know the one I’m talking about, the negative voice in your head, the one that stems from ego that fills you with fear, negativity and anger. That voice can quickly gather a committee and become thunderous can’t it?

I was riding along the pathways a few weeks ago. I stopped in a gorgeous spot, near rapids. There was a man with a dog who was thinking about crossing in the shallow, fast running water.

He was sitting on the fence about the whole affair. I gently coaxed him to cross. The decision was his. His dog was more than happy to go in. He had the best footwear. If he got wet he’d have a refreshing walk home on a hot day.

Just as he started walking into the water another couple appeared. The man became this guy’s itty bitty shitty committee. I’m sure he was trying to be helpful, as there is a positive intention behind every action, however, he was the voice of fear.

He went through every possible bad outcome the man could encounter. He brought up the fact that his cell phone was in his pocket and on and on he went. At one point I actually told him to shut it.

There we were, the good angel and the bad demon on the shore while this man battled it out with running water, slippery rock surfaces and his dog.

What do you think he decided to do?

Take a guess.

He decided not to cross. If looks could kill, the bad demon would have been instantly blown away by yours truly.

Instead, I said to the man well maybe next time you’ll have the courage to cross without an audience.

What does that voice tell you? What real estate do you let it occupy in your headspace? How does it influence you on the daily?

Lately I’ve allowed that voice to take up way too much space in my head. No more. Oh I know it’ll still be there on the sidelines waiting to jump in, however, I will let all the good rush in. I choose to focus on the positive. Because there is plenty.

I have a good life. I am loved. Surrounded by amazing friends. A passion for sports psychology and a desire to help as many as I can in this one life. Live Natalie says the voice. Live fully. Don’t hide because you’re hurting. You’ll be ok. You are safe.

That’s the voice I choose. What about you?