Accidents are indeed, no accident

The Universe has checked me twice in the span of a month. Two separate incidents have resulted in injury.

The first happened over a month ago when my rented hot water heater gave up the ghost. The plumbers arrived unexpectedly, I was hustling to get dressed and put my glasses on and missed the top step of the stairs and hit the landing hard.

I still can’t sit without pain. A little research online has told me it’s no longer a bruise at this point but a fracture. I’m looking at a two to three month recovery period. Sometimes ignorance and denial are truly bliss.

The second incident happened on my very first run on my first day skiing this season. I wasn’t solid on my edges, went over a pitch and found myself in the backseat. A 360 degree turn on snow ensued while still attached to skis. It is to be noted here that I skied for six hours after this happened with no pain. Got to love adrenaline right?

My knee is not happy with me. I decided to test it further, went skiing a week later despite pain and am now dealing with the fallout of that less than wise decision.

So here I sit, literally in pain, pondering the messages the Universe is trying to get through my obviously thick skull.

As a firm believer in the law of attraction, I went to my trusty Louise Hay book You Can Heal Your Life and did some research. It was a humbling moment let me tell you.

In Hay’s words:”Accidents are no accident. Like everything else in our lives, we create them. It’s not that we necessarily say, “I want to have an accident,” but we do have the mental thought patterns that can attract an accident to us.”

“Accidents are expressions of anger. They indicate built up frustration resulting from not feeling the freedom to speak up for one’s self. Accidents also indicate rebellion against authority. We get so mad we want to hit people, instead, we get hit.”

“When we are angry at ourselves, when we feel guilty, when we feel the need for punishment, an accident is a marvelous way of taking care of that.”

“It seems as though an accident is not our fault, that we are helpless victims of a quirk of fate. An accident allows us to turn to others for sympathy and attention. We get our wounds bathed and attended to. We often get bed rest and we get pain.”

“Where this pain occurs in the body gives us a clue as to which area of life we feel guilty about. The degree of physical damage lets us know how severely we felt we needed to be punished and how long the sentence should be.”

Well that’s a lot to swallow isn’t it?

As I thought back to what I was thinking before I fell when the plumbers arrived, I realized I was angry that the gas company hadn’t given me a heads up as to when they would arrive. The buttocks represent power or in this case, a loss of power. A fracture represents rebelling against authority. Makes perfect sense now doesn’t it?

The knees represent bending and pride, ego and stubbornness. According to Hay: “Often when moving forward, we are fearful of bending, and we become inflexible. This stiffens the joints. We want to move forward, but we do not want to change our ways. This is why knees take so long to heal; our ego is involved. The knees take a long time because we get our pride and our self-righteousness involved.”

“The next time you have a knee problem, ask yourself where you are being self-righteous, where you are refusing to bend. Drop the stubbornness and let go. Life is flow, life is movement; and to be comfortable, we must be flexible and move with it. A willow tree bends and sways and flows with the wind and is always graceful and at ease with life.”

I love that metaphor of the willow tree, funnily enough it’s always been my favorite tree.

Again looking back to my first run of my first day skiing, I was rushing to get to the hill. I was supposed to be meeting a friend and wanted to get there for first tracks because that’s when the best skiing happens on freshly groomed runs.

I was frustrated because I made a stop at the garage on my way up to the hill to get my car checked. That proved to be a waste of time. I was already running late so my stop compounded things. I texted my friend and because signal at the hill is dubious at the best of times and let’s face it, we are busy skiing, there was no response.

The result? Frustration at not getting the outcome I wanted. I certainly was refusing to bend and flow with life wasn’t I? I wanted things on my terms. What happens? Poof! The Universe checks me.

I sit here with a smile on my face because it all makes perfect sense now. I’m not looking forward to the recovery time of both injuries and I’m crawling out of my skin not being able to ski and be in my happy place but I get it. I am right where I am meant to be, whether I like it or not.

It’s a good thing Louise Hay gives affirmations for all these happenings. I can focus on those and move myself forward one breath and one ice pack at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Love

Five weeks ago I met a man who changed my life.

We fell in love on the spot, the stuff movies are made of, even though I didn’t know it at the time.

I wasn’t looking for once, I was dating someone else. He was also in a relationship.

You can’t explain attraction can you? We were magnets for each other.

As much as I tried to understand, to resist and deny, my heart shifted.

After six years of trying to make a relationship work, this just was. We were tied from the day we met.

He doesn’t live in the same city as I do and so for four and a half weeks I didn’t see him. I can’t begin to explain or describe the ache I felt.

We texted and spoke daily for a while. Then he asked for silence as he couldn’t be in two relationships at once.

All the while, being the eternal optimist that I am, I banked on the best outcome.

The best outcome has come to pass. He is going to go do the work he needs to do on himself. To learn to like, accept and love himself. Whatever we were is over.

I am a change agent, It’s what I do. I shift people. I shifted him.

What I didn’t expect is for him to shift me.

Thank you for loving me. For helping me see that love is possible. For cracking open my heart and bringing in light.

My heart is shattered. I am gutted. I’ve forgotten what pain like this feels like.

Even in this thick blanket of fog that surrounds me and pain so deep I don’t know what do when the waves hit but allow it, I know something is being worked out in me. Healing is happening on a grand scale.

I will come out on the other side of this with insights and lessons learned like I always do.

Be well love. Thank you.

One less heartbeat

Two weeks ago I said goodbye to my companion of 13 years, my beloved sweet cat Minou.

My heart hasn’t been the same since. I’ve never known a pain like this, it’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. The ache is still there.

My house feels lonely and empty without him. Life won’t ever be the same.

Minou was the best thing that ever happened to me. He taught me how to care and love for a being. He gave me unconditional love in return. He was a constant in my life when so many things weren’t.

He was a rescue. I always say we rescued each other.

He was a beautiful grey manx with green eyes.

Up until the very end he was a fighter.

He was in and out of the vet’s office a few times since the fall. His kidneys were failing. He lost a lot of weight and deteriorated rapidly in the end, losing his mobility.

It was sad to see him this way, a shadow of his former self.

I rushed him to emergency on the day before I was to put him to sleep. He was trembling and crying out in pain. It was heart breaking.

He was passing as I arrived at the animal hospital. I was told he had but a few moments left. So I held him in my arms crying and saying goodbye.

He shocked everyone by coming back to life. I like to think Minou felt he hadn’t given his mom a proper goodbye. I held him in my arms for hours before I made the decision to let him go.

A friend came to keep me company. I regaled her with stories of Minou’s adventures while he sat purring contentedly in my lap.

I guess he wasn’t ready to go because the vet had to change his catheter and then administer twice the dose of the injection to stop his heart. Again an unusual occurrence.

By then all of us were crying. I was telling Minou it was ok to let go and that I’d be ok. Even though my heart was breaking and the last thing I wanted was to let him go.

He passed peacefully in my arms. The love of my life.

The weeks since have been difficult. There’s been a lot of sorrow.

I miss Minou terribly and wish I could have had more time with him.

I imagine him up there creating havoc, chasing squirrels and lying in the sunshine, happy and healthy.

Thank you Minou for being such a good friend. You’ve left your paw prints all over my heart.

Sundays

I’m seeing a pattern emerge on Sundays.  Sundays are my day off, so when I wake up my thoughts automatically seem to drift to where I’d be if I was still in relationship.  At the chalet with him, a day of skiing ahead of us to look forward to.  Inevitably sadness comes, and with it a sense of loss.  Yesterday I got up, did my meditation, went for a walk and then on to brunch with friends.

I guess the Sunday pattern was biding its time because sadness hit on the drive home when a song came on the radio, all of a sudden great tears were running down my cheeks and grief washed over me.  I’ve learned to allow my feelings to rise up, and to stay present  to them knowing eventually they will pass.  Stuffing them does not work, they just come back in more insidious ways.  I go back to basics when emotions hit.  Yesterday I got myself home, made myself a cup of tea, reached out to a friend and sat out in the sunshine with a book. 

There is an energy to Sundays I am not sure I like, I will go with it for now, allowing whatever comes up to come up as I am sure it’s part of the process.  Once I’m ready I intend to shift Sunday energy to more positive, hopeful and peaceful places.