Love

Five weeks ago I met a man who changed my life.

We fell in love on the spot, the stuff movies are made of, even though I didn’t know it at the time.

I wasn’t looking for once, I was dating someone else. He was also in a relationship.

You can’t explain attraction can you? We were magnets for each other.

As much as I tried to understand, to resist and deny, my heart shifted.

After six years of trying to make a relationship work, this just was. We were tied from the day we met.

He doesn’t live in the same city as I do and so for four and a half weeks I didn’t see him. I can’t begin to explain or describe the ache I felt.

We texted and spoke daily for a while. Then he asked for silence as he couldn’t be in two relationships at once.

All the while, being the eternal optimist that I am, I banked on the best outcome.

The best outcome has come to pass. He is going to go do the work he needs to do on himself. To learn to like, accept and love himself. Whatever we were is over.

I am a change agent, It’s what I do. I shift people. I shifted him.

What I didn’t expect is for him to shift me.

Thank you for loving me. For helping me see that love is possible. For cracking open my heart and bringing in light.

My heart is shattered. I am gutted. I’ve forgotten what pain like this feels like.

Even in this thick blanket of fog that surrounds me and pain so deep I don’t know what do when the waves hit but allow it, I know something is being worked out in me. Healing is happening on a grand scale.

I will come out on the other side of this with insights and lessons learned like I always do.

Be well love. Thank you.

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Insights, time and actions…

Today’s post is a reflection on the events of the past week since my split with the man I love.  I have been grieving, big time.  The emotions come in waves but there seems to be a pattern.  An ebbing of sorts over the past week.  Time is evidently the great healer. 

I’ve come to realize I am healing myself and processing past pain.  I have to be grateful even though it hurts like hell.  I know once the pain clears, room will be made for bigger and better to enter.  I miss him but I’m no longer certain whether it’s him or the idea of him.  I know I touched something profound.  A glimpse at a mirage that dissipated in the light of day.  You see, I engaged fully in this relationship with no regrets and thus felt fully by allowing another in.  Huge.  That he was such a mirror for me is no accident.  That we came together when we did is no accident.  That things went the way they did is also no accident.  It is simply what it is. 

I am sifting through the good and the bad.  Becoming clearer day by day on what it is I do want and what it is I need to do to make sure the signal I send out the next time around attracts exactly what I want.  In the meantime insights are great but I remain with the question of what it is I am going to do with them in order to heal myself, move on and find the relationship to end all relationships.

If I come back to my learnings from my group work, I need to parent my inner kid.  She was a huge marker in the relationship and ultimately my putting her and myself first are what caused the dissolution of the whole affair.  Bravo!  A very different me has emerged.  One that will not go back to the way things were before this relationship and who continues to not put up with status quos.  I deserve better.

Watch out world because as time heals I will re emerge brighter.