Suffering

Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements sit in front of me.

The second agreement is not to take anything personally.

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say or do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. Finally, when you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

I have been suffering. Tremendously.

What do you do when a parent, a loved one, someone you’re supposed to trust volleys words at you that hurt and cause pain? How do you recover from something like that?

I am not thick skinned. I am a sensitive. A big empath with a big heart.

Right now my heart is hurting. I know the suffering is self-induced but I can’t get the words out of my head.

Today I was listening to a documentary. The final words of the piece hit me like a giant wave. It was about being a good person despite bad circumstances. It was about forgiveness and hope.

It was all I could to hold myself while the tears came. Wave after wave of pain, crashing through me. I cried like a dam broke. There is this fear that comes with that level of emotion: “What if I won’t be able to stop?”

Counselors in the past have assured me that I’ll come through it. That my body will allow what is necessary to come up and out.

I’m still emoting.

I started a meditation class a week ago. I walked out of the class knowing there was no way I could come back. At least not right now. The teacher spoke of suffering, of Buddhist principles of non attachment. It was too much. I felt worse. I just could not handle that level of truth in this moment.

I am working one of the toughest steps of my program right now. I am writing on resentments. I get physically ill sometimes from the writing. My levels of frustration, perfection and rejection at the words I am writing come out full bore and manifest in my body. I get headaches that develop into migraines. Nausea and feeling like I’m going to throw up.

I know it’s better out than in but it’s like a Pandora’s Box. All these things that I’ve kept hidden are coming out and I’m shocked at how emotional I get despite so much time passing since the events happened.

I pray for the courage and the strength to pick up the pen and write every day. To see the words appear on paper, to get them out of my head and heart and to allow them to occupy space on a blank page.

One of my readings today spoke about the presumption of being good enough, worthy enough and lovable enough. That I am exactly the right kind of person, in the right place, at the right time.

I never grew up with that message. In fact, it was just the opposite.

It’s up to me to learn it, to voice it and live it.

 

 

 

 

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Grounding

How do you stay grounded when everything is swirling around you?

Lately it feels as though my life has been upended.

Everything I know has shifted. It’s a time of huge transformation in all facets of my life.

Of letting go of the old and having faith that what is coming will be amazing. It so will. I can feel it.

Where is the safest spot in a tornado? At its very center, that is where the calm lies.

It takes courage, strength and faith to believe that I will come through this completely transformed. I KNOW I will.

It’s MY time. To live the life I have always wanted. To be of service to as many as I can through my gifts in sports psychology.

No more hiding. No more playing small. No more dimming my light. NO MORE.

I have a vision. I have peeps who love me, keep me grounded and cheer me on. I have faith in a force greater than me that will manifest all my heart’s desires. I believe.

I have manifested plenty in my life. The power of intention is huge. Where your breath goes, your focus goes. What you focus on expands. Make it intentional, amazing and big.

I am so mindful of my word lately. Don Miguel Ruiz’s Four Agreements have come back into my life at the right time.

The first agreement is to be impeccable with your Word. “Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.”

I have been challenged by that agreement repeatedly lately about the words I say to myself. The itty bitty shitty committee is fierce lately. Shut up ego. Enough.

When this happens, I return to breath and breathe. Deep belly breaths and as many as it takes to come back to center and to me.

My return to a stronger yoga practice helps, meditation helps, walks help. Returning to breath in the midst of a tornado helps. Repeating to myself I am safe, I am love and I am peace.

It’s a challenge to stay grounded amidst whirling dervishes and transformation. Self-care is key.

Step by step, moment to moment and breath to breath.

Breathe. All will be well.

 

 

 

Light shining

I am a dream seeker and a rebel. I’ve never fit a mold and if there was one, it was broken a very long time ago.

I care deeply about myself, my life and those who matter to me but mostly I am about making a difference in this one amazing life.

I wasn’t born to play small, and while life has tried to knock me down more times than I can count. I’ve picked myself up, dusted myself off and moved on.

I strive to live my life with the guts to be myself unapologetically.

Having guts means that I’m willing to risk and to go after what I love.

I stay up late and wake up early chasing dreams and making them happen.

I often find myself alone because of my choices, however, I know there are a whole lot of us out there striving to break free from the mold to be well-behaved women to be loved. I know because I’ve met them and can count them as mentors and dear friends.

I can’t follow the rules for the life of me. When given the choice, I will always follow the most difficult road because that’s where I learn the most.

I have to take care of myself. Who else is going to do it for me? I am the master of keeping my shit together even when it seems I can’t take another step.

I tuck myself into bed each night. It’s not because I don’t want a lover with me but because I know that unless it’s the real thing, solitude is so much sweeter than putting on an act.

I refuse to conform no matter how many times people shake their heads.

Why can’t I be like everyone else? Why can’t I stay in an unhappy relationship? Why can’t I stay with a secure job? Why can’t I suck it up because I’m an adult? Because that is what adults are supposed to do, isn’t it?

No. Hells to the no. I was born differently. Where others see stability, I see stifling.

I won’t give up on the desires of my heart.

I may seem to be wandering aimlessly sometimes, it’s all part of the plan. I may drive you crazy at times, and scare the shit out of you but life would be boring any other way.

Marianne Williamson said it best didn’t she?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

I’ve lived this quote. I’ve inspired others to live this quote. I will continue on this path because it is the only way I know.

I get scared shitless sometimes. We all do. It is the measure of who we are to have the courage to continue. To believe in our dreams. To believe in our path. To awaken. I truly believe we are spiritual beings living a human existence.

Don’t you?

Courage

Courage. What does it mean to you?

I’ve been told lately that I’m courageous. I take risks by opening up, being honest and expressing my feelings.

It takes courage to change. Courage to walk a path that requires surrender, faith, and work, with the hope that I’ll shift. That life will unfold differently for me.

I’ve often had the courage to change. I’m curious about the world and people. I enjoy personal development and growth. I believe in the best in people and in change. I also know you have to be ready and willing.

I’ve been dealing with a lot of profound change recently and along with it, grief. I’m grieving many endings and have faith acceptance will come in its own time. If there’s one thing I know, my will won’t make it happen faster and I cannot control when the process is complete. It’s a journey and I trust things will fall into place and all will be well.

When the emotions come, I allow them to surface and release them. I don’t stuff them, overanalyze them or deny them. They are part of the process. Tears are healing.

I was crying uncontrollably the other day. A dam had burst and with it the floodgates opened. I allowed myself to cry, to feel and to let go.

Not knowing what to do with myself after a while, I decided to go for a hike. To use my body to process my emotions, release them and reconnect to my self through nature.

The hike was intense. Up an escarpment. At the beginning of the trail I jogged down the steps and up the hill and quickly found myself out of breath. I came to a first set of falls. I took a moment to stop, take a picture and catch my breath.

I continued along the path and was soon stepping from rock to rock. My heart pumping and my lungs acting like a bellows. I took breaks admiring the beauty around me.

I arrived at the first lookout and kept going to the second lookout. I could see far over the fields to the river and beyond. The view was breathtakingly beautiful.

As I continued I came to the stream that fed the falls, I was able to stop for a drink. I pushed on and climbed some more. More rocky steps and signage indicating I was less than halfway.

Still I climbed until I felt I had achieved what I came to do. Due to time limitations I turned back. The descent even sweeter than the climb. Taking the time to get a drink of water, to take pictures and breathe in the beauty surrounding me.

At the end of the trail I felt triumphant. I had the courage to take on a really hard climb. I did not try to make it all the way to the top, instead I enjoyed my journey. Rested, drank and appreciated the beauty around me.

Very much like a metaphor for life isn’t it?

Bravery

Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.

Fear.  What does fear do to you?  It stops me in my tracks and paralyzes me; I become frozen.  Twelve years ago when I came back to Ottawa I was running.  I loved running.  I ran away from heartbreak, processed all my emotions and felt an endorphin high like no other.  I had run pretty much pain free prior to moving back home, however, when I continued running here I started developing pain in my IT band.  A common ailment in runners right?  Well that pain progressively moved from IT to sciatic.  I have even developed a functional leg length difference because of it. 

What does that tell me? 

My right leg is my dominant leg, my male side, my ass kicking leg.  I used to affectionally call it my inability to move forward leg.  It has released twice in 12 years.  Once thanks to active release therapy and the other when I did the emotional work around what that leg represented in my life.  I started playing with it, instead of calling it my inability to move forward leg I called it my ability to move forward leg. 

At the time I was doing my masters in neuro-linguistic processing and boy was I ever processing!  It released when I released my story.  Because that is all that keeps us stuck: our stories.  My right leg is painfully frozen because I am frozen.  Afraid to move forward with my life in what it is I truly love.  No longer.  So I am loving my right leg and being grateful to it for showing me on a physical plane what I didn’t want to see in my life.

When I left the military and Edmonton behind I moved to my parent’s house.  I left my parent’s home at 17 with the intention of never coming back.  I was prepared to stay in Edmonton and go back to school and figure things out but my parents decided to open their doors to me.  Here I still am 12 years later.

Fear has kept me stuck in this place.  I do not live rent free but I have a pretty good deal, however, that deal comes with all sorts of strings attached.  I notice it most when my parents come home.  They are retirees, between a summer home and a boat they are gone most of the year, however, it is those weeks when they are here and we all live on top of each other that I realize it is time to go.

My mother avowed the other night that my parents rescued me from Edmonton.  What?  I did not need to be rescued and would have figured things out on my own.  Hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it?  So here I am 12 years later in a place which I call home but for a variety of reasons doesn’t feel right anymore.

Again bravery comes.  My life will fall into place, I am taking the baby steps to move forward doing what it is I love and I have to trust the Universe will provide when the time is right.  In the meantime I have to believe I am right where I need to be.

Courage

Today’s post was inspired by Christine Kane’s weekly email on courage.  She came up with a list of 52 things to build your courage.  From everything to painting your fingernails green (nice one!) to leaving a relationship that hurts or drains you.

It inspired me to come up with my own list of things to build courage.

Here goes:

Start a blog – check!

Paint your nails blue – I just had to add that one in.

Cut your hair – I did it and it took guts.

Quit a job you hate and start your own business.

Love the skin you’re in.

Treat yourself with gentleness and respect.

Create good outcomes.

Look into people’s eyes when you’re in public – taken from Christine’s email, I thought it was great.

Stick to yoga – working on it!

Pay it forward.

Admit when you are wrong.

Give money away.

Watch less TV.

Respond, don’t react.

Meditate.

Stop eating meat.

Love with no limits.

Excuses are the enemy of action, stop making them.

Assumptions are the enemy of succes, question them often.

Write a letter to someone you love and tell them how you feel and what they mean to you.

Smile.

Hire someone to do a regular task you can’t stand doing – like cleaning!

Spend more time playing and less time worrying.

There it is my list of things that bring me courage, hope it inspires you to bring a little more courage to your own life.