Accidents are indeed, no accident

The Universe has checked me twice in the span of a month. Two separate incidents have resulted in injury.

The first happened over a month ago when my rented hot water heater gave up the ghost. The plumbers arrived unexpectedly, I was hustling to get dressed and put my glasses on and missed the top step of the stairs and hit the landing hard.

I still can’t sit without pain. A little research online has told me it’s no longer a bruise at this point but a fracture. I’m looking at a two to three month recovery period. Sometimes ignorance and denial are truly bliss.

The second incident happened on my very first run on my first day skiing this season. I wasn’t solid on my edges, went over a pitch and found myself in the backseat. A 360 degree turn on snow ensued while still attached to skis. It is to be noted here that I skied for six hours after this happened with no pain. Got to love adrenaline right?

My knee is not happy with me. I decided to test it further, went skiing a week later despite pain and am now dealing with the fallout of that less than wise decision.

So here I sit, literally in pain, pondering the messages the Universe is trying to get through my obviously thick skull.

As a firm believer in the law of attraction, I went to my trusty Louise Hay book You Can Heal Your Life and did some research. It was a humbling moment let me tell you.

In Hay’s words:”Accidents are no accident. Like everything else in our lives, we create them. It’s not that we necessarily say, “I want to have an accident,” but we do have the mental thought patterns that can attract an accident to us.”

“Accidents are expressions of anger. They indicate built up frustration resulting from not feeling the freedom to speak up for one’s self. Accidents also indicate rebellion against authority. We get so mad we want to hit people, instead, we get hit.”

“When we are angry at ourselves, when we feel guilty, when we feel the need for punishment, an accident is a marvelous way of taking care of that.”

“It seems as though an accident is not our fault, that we are helpless victims of a quirk of fate. An accident allows us to turn to others for sympathy and attention. We get our wounds bathed and attended to. We often get bed rest and we get pain.”

“Where this pain occurs in the body gives us a clue as to which area of life we feel guilty about. The degree of physical damage lets us know how severely we felt we needed to be punished and how long the sentence should be.”

Well that’s a lot to swallow isn’t it?

As I thought back to what I was thinking before I fell when the plumbers arrived, I realized I was angry that the gas company hadn’t given me a heads up as to when they would arrive. The buttocks represent power or in this case, a loss of power. A fracture represents rebelling against authority. Makes perfect sense now doesn’t it?

The knees represent bending and pride, ego and stubbornness. According to Hay: “Often when moving forward, we are fearful of bending, and we become inflexible. This stiffens the joints. We want to move forward, but we do not want to change our ways. This is why knees take so long to heal; our ego is involved. The knees take a long time because we get our pride and our self-righteousness involved.”

“The next time you have a knee problem, ask yourself where you are being self-righteous, where you are refusing to bend. Drop the stubbornness and let go. Life is flow, life is movement; and to be comfortable, we must be flexible and move with it. A willow tree bends and sways and flows with the wind and is always graceful and at ease with life.”

I love that metaphor of the willow tree, funnily enough it’s always been my favorite tree.

Again looking back to my first run of my first day skiing, I was rushing to get to the hill. I was supposed to be meeting a friend and wanted to get there for first tracks because that’s when the best skiing happens on freshly groomed runs.

I was frustrated because I made a stop at the garage on my way up to the hill to get my car checked. That proved to be a waste of time. I was already running late so my stop compounded things. I texted my friend and because signal at the hill is dubious at the best of times and let’s face it, we are busy skiing, there was no response.

The result? Frustration at not getting the outcome I wanted. I certainly was refusing to bend and flow with life wasn’t I? I wanted things on my terms. What happens? Poof! The Universe checks me.

I sit here with a smile on my face because it all makes perfect sense now. I’m not looking forward to the recovery time of both injuries and I’m crawling out of my skin not being able to ski and be in my happy place but I get it. I am right where I am meant to be, whether I like it or not.

It’s a good thing Louise Hay gives affirmations for all these happenings. I can focus on those and move myself forward one breath and one ice pack at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The itty bitty shitty committee

Ah the itty bitty shitty committee. You know the one I’m talking about, the negative voice in your head, the one that stems from ego that fills you with fear, negativity and anger. That voice can quickly gather a committee and become thunderous can’t it?

I was riding along the pathways a few weeks ago. I stopped in a gorgeous spot, near rapids. There was a man with a dog who was thinking about crossing in the shallow, fast running water.

He was sitting on the fence about the whole affair. I gently coaxed him to cross. The decision was his. His dog was more than happy to go in. He had the best footwear. If he got wet he’d have a refreshing walk home on a hot day.

Just as he started walking into the water another couple appeared. The man became this guy’s itty bitty shitty committee. I’m sure he was trying to be helpful, as there is a positive intention behind every action, however, he was the voice of fear.

He went through every possible bad outcome the man could encounter. He brought up the fact that his cell phone was in his pocket and on and on he went. At one point I actually told him to shut it.

There we were, the good angel and the bad demon on the shore while this man battled it out with running water, slippery rock surfaces and his dog.

What do you think he decided to do?

Take a guess.

He decided not to cross. If looks could kill, the bad demon would have been instantly blown away by yours truly.

Instead, I said to the man well maybe next time you’ll have the courage to cross without an audience.

What does that voice tell you? What real estate do you let it occupy in your headspace? How does it influence you on the daily?

Lately I’ve allowed that voice to take up way too much space in my head. No more. Oh I know it’ll still be there on the sidelines waiting to jump in, however, I will let all the good rush in. I choose to focus on the positive. Because there is plenty.

I have a good life. I am loved. Surrounded by amazing friends. A passion for sports psychology and a desire to help as many as I can in this one life. Live Natalie says the voice. Live fully. Don’t hide because you’re hurting. You’ll be ok. You are safe.

That’s the voice I choose. What about you?

Gratitude

Gratitude. How does it show up in your life?

I had planned on writing a post on gratitude this week, it seems especially timely after the events here in Ottawa.

A city has been changed in a single day. A loss of innocence has occurred. My heart goes out to the families of both Cpl Nathan Cirillo and Michael Zehaf-Bibeau. Two people died tragically Wednesday in our peaceful city. Things will never be the same.

On the weekend, I was at a conference at the National Arts Center, steps away from the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier. I had remarked to a friend how wonderful it was to see the military honor our dead by having sentries stand guard at the monument. As a former officer in the Canadian Armed Forces, I felt it a lovely gesture.

I was in an all day business planning session ten minutes away when shots were fired Wednesday, ironically our original location was to be blocks away from Parliament in the lockdown zone.

Shock. Horror. Anger. Sadness. I experienced all of these feelings when I learned of events.

Gratitude. I’m grateful to bystanders who stepped in to come to the aid of Cpl Nathan Cirilio. He was surrounded by people before he died. To emergency responders who run to and not away from danger to keep us safe. I’m grateful to the members of the Canadian Armed Forces who put their lives on the line daily abroad so we can enjoy our freedom here in Canada.

Gratitude. For the simple things. For friends and family reaching out to make sure I was safe. For my home, in a country where events like these are the exception and not the norm. For this beautiful city, our nation’s capital, and the strength of its people.

Fights

Fights.  Every couple has them.  It’s the way you fight that matters or so I’ve been told.  How do you fight?

I know how our fights go.  He retreats, I try desperately to re-establish contact, it ends up spiraling and going south rapidly.  We’ve just gone through yet another epic fight.  We were pretty much broken up.  The worst part?  All of it was done by text except for the phone call and ultimatum that started it all.  Horrible.

Ultimatums don’t work.  Doesn’t matter whether you are coming from a place of concern and care, they just don’t.  The consequences are often disastrous.  We have split up over them.  This one was no different.  He was concerned about my attendance at work, fearful of my old patterns and wanted to express his concern in the form of an ultimatum.  It didn’t work, it pissed me off.  Then a series of back and forth texts ensued until he was pissed off and then the inevitable we are done scenario comes forth.  Sigh.

I’m so tired of our shitty patterns.  We are doing better now, not split up but damage is done every time we go into this cycle.  It’s enough to make me want to scream.  We are so incredibly good at triggering each other. 

I’m not sure what the bigger lessons here are but the good news is we are working on it.  Here’s hoping our pattern changes for the better.

A promise broken

The promise you made to commit to us, I remember it well.  It was made after our third break up.  We swore to do things differently this time.  You said you’d try.  There is no try, only do.  I had such hopes for us.

And just like that it ended.  After all the effort you’re not happy.  I can’t help you with that.  I can’t open your heart to me.  I can’t make you love me or  feel something you don’t.

I’m angry, angry at your cowardice, at your dragging your stuff into our relationship and destroying it.  I’m angry most of all beacuse you hurt me, you broke my heart, you broke your promise to us. 

I loved you.  You took that love and walked all over it.  You don’t deserve me.  I curse the day I met you.  Karma rocks, I hope she delivers your just desserts.

In repair

Today’s post is a follow-up to the Easter trip.  Communication.  It’s the essence of any good relationship.  I’m a trained communicator, life coach, master NLP practitioner.  You’d think I’d somehow be great at communicating wouldn’t you?  I may be but communicating doesn’t seem to happen all that easily in my relationship.  Oh I try, believe me I do.  When I get triggered I get quiet, when he does he blows up and then shut downs.  Fine pair aren’t we?

A few events happened over the Easter weekend which make me wonder.  I believe in the 10-90 rule.  10% is the event, 90% is the reaction and so not about the event but about our own stuff.  Some pretty hurtful things were said.  I actually raised my voice at him, which takes a lot and he blew up in the confines of a car.  Not pretty.  What do you do when you fight with a loved one?  How do you manage to de-escalate a situation?  Obviously I need to learn new tactics because I’m struggling.  We both are.

The car incident was the worst because where do you go?  It’s not like you can flee.  So instead I sat there while he blamed me.  His anger was wholly leveled at me, he never took ownership for his stuff, not once.  He became verbally and emotionally abusive.  All I could see was a pissed off teenager who didn’t have any other coping skills.  Anger is a cry for love.  I know that, however, I am not willing to be someone’s punching bag.  He may have been modelled this behaviour growing up but it is not permissible to dump all over the ones you supposedly love and think that somehow damage isn’t going to be done.  I sat there wishing to be swallowed whole, wanting to be anywhere but there.  I managed somehow to stay calm, adult and not react.  Meanwhile I wanted to cry I was so sad, however I was told not to.  Can you imagine?  After all the work I’ve done to not stuff my emotions I was told not to cry.  Incredible.  I’m mystified how I could allow myself to be put into such a position.  Me.  I don’t put up with this shit from anyone and the man I love levels it at me and I take it?  What the hell?

I spoke after he calmed down.  He sat in the car and tuned me out with his ipod.  Can you be any more childish?  At one point I was so choked up I lost my voice.  I know when I lose my voice it’s about what I’m not saying.  I sat in that car powerless, voiceless, silenced.  I felt violated.  Like my personal boundaries had been kicked and trampled, like I wasn’t worthy, like I felt so often as a kid.  Another opportunity for growth, right?  Well I could have done without this one, trust me.  I talked about the incident a few days later and expressed what I felt and layed down a boundary.  I will not be present when he blows up, I refuse to be treated this way.  The problem is now I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t know what will set him off.  This isn’t how I want to be around him.  A trust has been broken and I’m not sure I can go back to the person I was before the trust was broken with him.  I know I’m wary, walled and keeping a distance.  Unsure.

When damage has been done, how do you make amends and repair?  I refuse to accept his apologies because it gives him permission to just repeat the same behavior and walk all over me again.  How do you go forward trusting, loving and being heart centered when damage has been done?

Please weigh in because I need answers.