Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.

Fear.  What does fear do to you?  It stops me in my tracks and paralyzes me; I become frozen.  Twelve years ago when I came back to Ottawa I was running.  I loved running.  I ran away from heartbreak, processed all my emotions and felt an endorphin high like no other.  I had run pretty much pain free prior to moving back home, however, when I continued running here I started developing pain in my IT band.  A common ailment in runners right?  Well that pain progressively moved from IT to sciatic.  I have even developed a functional leg length difference because of it. 

What does that tell me? 

My right leg is my dominant leg, my male side, my ass kicking leg.  I used to affectionally call it my inability to move forward leg.  It has released twice in 12 years.  Once thanks to active release therapy and the other when I did the emotional work around what that leg represented in my life.  I started playing with it, instead of calling it my inability to move forward leg I called it my ability to move forward leg. 

At the time I was doing my masters in neuro-linguistic processing and boy was I ever processing!  It released when I released my story.  Because that is all that keeps us stuck: our stories.  My right leg is painfully frozen because I am frozen.  Afraid to move forward with my life in what it is I truly love.  No longer.  So I am loving my right leg and being grateful to it for showing me on a physical plane what I didn’t want to see in my life.

When I left the military and Edmonton behind I moved to my parent’s house.  I left my parent’s home at 17 with the intention of never coming back.  I was prepared to stay in Edmonton and go back to school and figure things out but my parents decided to open their doors to me.  Here I still am 12 years later.

Fear has kept me stuck in this place.  I do not live rent free but I have a pretty good deal, however, that deal comes with all sorts of strings attached.  I notice it most when my parents come home.  They are retirees, between a summer home and a boat they are gone most of the year, however, it is those weeks when they are here and we all live on top of each other that I realize it is time to go.

My mother avowed the other night that my parents rescued me from Edmonton.  What?  I did not need to be rescued and would have figured things out on my own.  Hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it?  So here I am 12 years later in a place which I call home but for a variety of reasons doesn’t feel right anymore.

Again bravery comes.  My life will fall into place, I am taking the baby steps to move forward doing what it is I love and I have to trust the Universe will provide when the time is right.  In the meantime I have to believe I am right where I need to be.


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