Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.
Fear. What does fear do to you? It stops me in my tracks and paralyzes me; I become frozen. Twelve years ago when I came back to Ottawa I was running. I loved running. I ran away from heartbreak, processed all my emotions and felt an endorphin high like no other. I had run pretty much pain free prior to moving back home, however, when I continued running here I started developing pain in my IT band. A common ailment in runners right? Well that pain progressively moved from IT to sciatic. I have even developed a functional leg length difference because of it.
What does that tell me?
My right leg is my dominant leg, my male side, my ass kicking leg. I used to affectionally call it my inability to move forward leg. It has released twice in 12 years. Once thanks to active release therapy and the other when I did the emotional work around what that leg represented in my life. I started playing with it, instead of calling it my inability to move forward leg I called it my ability to move forward leg.
At the time I was doing my masters in neuro-linguistic processing and boy was I ever processing! It released when I released my story. Because that is all that keeps us stuck: our stories. My right leg is painfully frozen because I am frozen. Afraid to move forward with my life in what it is I truly love. No longer. So I am loving my right leg and being grateful to it for showing me on a physical plane what I didn’t want to see in my life.
When I left the military and Edmonton behind I moved to my parent’s house. I left my parent’s home at 17 with the intention of never coming back. I was prepared to stay in Edmonton and go back to school and figure things out but my parents decided to open their doors to me. Here I still am 12 years later.
Fear has kept me stuck in this place. I do not live rent free but I have a pretty good deal, however, that deal comes with all sorts of strings attached. I notice it most when my parents come home. They are retirees, between a summer home and a boat they are gone most of the year, however, it is those weeks when they are here and we all live on top of each other that I realize it is time to go.
My mother avowed the other night that my parents rescued me from Edmonton. What? I did not need to be rescued and would have figured things out on my own. Hindsight is always 20/20 isn’t it? So here I am 12 years later in a place which I call home but for a variety of reasons doesn’t feel right anymore.
Again bravery comes. My life will fall into place, I am taking the baby steps to move forward doing what it is I love and I have to trust the Universe will provide when the time is right. In the meantime I have to believe I am right where I need to be.