Abandonment

I’ve been struggling lately with the concept of abandonment in relationship.  Doesn’t seem to make much sense does it?  After all I’m in relationship so why should I fear being abandonned?  Unfortunately, it happens all the time whenever things go sideways.  Like on the weekend we got into an argument and all of a sudden I was 6 years old again and wanting to flee.  So much for abandonment since I’m the one halfway out the door most of the time.  Screwed up isn’t it?

I’ve learnt that my old core beliefs such as this one will attempt to prove themselves right no matter what.  Well they are doing an excellent job at it is all I can say.  My partner accuses me of sabotaging things whenever things go right.  My healer says if it wasn’t whatever we got into a fight about it would be something else.  They are both right.

This is what happens when we come from a place of fear.  Sounds simple, should be easy enough to figure out how not to do it you’d think, right?  Wrong.  It happens in an instant, all of a sudden there I am sliding down a slippery slope while the argument escalates.  Yeah I get scared.  Scared that everything I love, that the man I love will be taken away in an instant.  And that I’ll be horribly all alone.  I know rationally I am not alone, I have a family, I have friends and I have a man who loves me dearly.  There are people out there who love me yet this stinking feeling comes and wipes out all logic and all good.

The good news is that we seem to be able to diffuse and consequently de-escalate things before they get out of control.  We seem to be doing things differently, talking about them like adults instead.  I really do believe people can change and I do believe we have changed.  It gives me hope for our future.

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