Presence

Presence.  A simple word, a much more difficult concept.  I’ve blogged about being present before.  A friend commented on a previous post and said it was time I left the past.  It’s gotten me thinking.

I’m with a good man.  He’s exactly what my soul needs at this moment.  He and I had met briefly prior to my relationship.  It was a happy accident that I sat with a whole weekend off in front of me yesterday wondering what I was going to do with myself when I messaged him.  We hadn’t chatted since the previous split with my former partner.  He invited me up to his place on the Big Rideau.  More beauty, more kindness and more care than I think I deserve, horrible self defeating thought, but it’s where I’m at.

I’m challenged with staying present with him.  The grief I feel is written all over my face, at any moment I lose it and the waves come.  He just stops what he’s doing, holds me and tells me it’s going to be alright.  That time heals, that I need to let go, that the man I was with does not deserve this much space or attention or pain.  I get all this at a head level, I do, but my heart oh my heart.  It feels like it’s been split, shattered into a thousand pieces, I feel adrift, lost and it’s all I can do to come back and stay present.

I want to be present, to stay grounded, calm, and peaceful.  I also want to release whatever is being worked out in me, I want it out.  Every last bit of it so I can move on.  So I can make better choices and attract the kind of happiness I so richly deserve.

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