Grace

The grace to endure.  These words were sent to me today.  They resonate.  I am hurting, grief is really kicking me in the pants.  The worst is I never know when it’s going to hit.  Not sure what it is with me, my car and tears but oh boy what a triple threat.  It’s like the flood gates open. 

This morning again.  Crying like my heart is broken.  It is broken and I know it will heal but this place I’m in really sucks.  Not a day goes by where I don’t think of him, not one.  It will have been a month this Friday.  A month.  I’m tired of being in this space.  I am being told where I am at is normal, to be patient and good to myself.  Well enough already, can I please just move on?  What am I grieving exactly? 

We didn’t work.  No amount of love, effort or time would have made us work.  It was impossible. Then what am I mourning exactly?  Why is my body screaming for a break?  Since last week I have not been well.  Light headed, faint, teary.  Exhaustion is my guess.  The store is demanding more and more of me, not less and less.  I was away on business last week and barely made it off the plane.  I thought I was going to pass out.  Again yesterday and today.  What the hell is going on?

So I am asking for grace.  The grace to endure.  The grace to keep on keeping on.  The grace to move through whatever is being worked out in me.  The grace to find peace in the eye of whatever turmoil I’m in.  Grace, please find me.

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