Today’s first snow should fill me with happiness because that means ski season is around the corner. Instead I am sad. Sad because the person I enjoyed skiing with the most isn’t going to be around this ski season because we’ve split up.
I’m sad for the loss of the relationship, the loss of him and the dream of what might have been. There is lots of pain today around the dream that never was.
This blogs renders what is private public. It is a choice I make to speak of things which most would rather not in a public forum. I have gotten flak for it lately. I know there are many versions of the truth. I also know the version I present here is mine. I have always given him editorial licence and continue to do so. My intent isn’t to be disrespectful, hurtful or slanderous.
When I wanted to talk he told me to say what I needed to say on my blog. Granted the circumstances weren’t ideal when I did want to have the conversation. I have a share of responsability in this which I take on gladly, what I will not take on is other people’s stuff. Slanderous comments are about the people who make them not about the object of their attack. Projecting your self hatred onto others is not necessary or a good thing.
I am well aware of my stuff. I know I attracted this man for a reason and that there are lessons and healing to be done around all of this for me. I welcome them gladly. We operate in patterns until awareness comes, followed by action. When we know better, we do better. I take comfort in the Serenity prayer. God grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot and the wisdom to know the difference.
So today I sit with my sadness and pain because I know it goes much deeper than him, once processed and released I will be in a better place. More healed and more whole.
The love I have for him is still there, it doesn’t change, it will always be there and I have to be grateful for the gift.
The question becomes do I love myself enough to take care of myself without him? The answer is yes.