Resurfacing

It’s been two weeks since I wrote.  I have needed the time to process.  A lot has changed since then, for the better.

Where to begin?  I feel as though an incredible weight has lifted.  I think it took me a while to achieve critical mass and to get where I needed to be.  It’s fair to say men distract me.  Well the distraction is over and it’s nice to be back to me and to focus on what it is I want.

I’m an enabler, which has both positive and negative connotations.  I’ve studied sports psychology and possess a host of tools to help people bring out the best in themselves.  In certain circumstances, however, it’s fair to say I can also bring out the worst, mostly by choice.  Because of the environment I grew up in and depending on the circumstances I find myself in I can attract wounded people.  I did just that in this case.  I guess I needed to learn the lesson, it cost me much but when we fell apart horrifically last Friday, I was finally ready to call it quits for good.

I can’t believe I was in a relationship where I allowed all sorts of behaviors to happen and stood by while verbal abuse was hurled in my direction.  He doesn’t see it that way but when you grow up in it and don’t do the work to recognize it how can you?  He is a good person despite what happened, I wouldn’t have invested a year with someone who wasn’t.  In the end, this part of me kept protecting myself, wary, not trusting, not buying in to his words or his plans, watching and waiting. 

I kept asking myself what I was willing to live with, too much kept adding up.  Someone who sleeps far too much, who doesn’t look after their health, who is terrible with money.  I didn’t want to be in the position of being the adult.  I get all those behaviors, I do, they remind me of old me.  In the end I shouldn’t have to settle, to give up having children and to put up with all of that for something that left me feeling unsatisfied.

I saw the psychic I trust last Friday, she gave me the final piece I needed to trust myself.  All I had to do was let go.  And so, it happened.  Two angry kids fighting in adult bodies.  Not what I would have chosen but it’s done.  It’s sad how hurt people hurt people if they choose to.  Not how I would have chosen to do things but then again I haven’t had much choice in this relationship.  My life revolved around him.  I can’t believe it.  That was my choice.  Me giving up all kinds of things so I could see him and for what?  So we could do what he needed to do.  Great.  It would have been nice if just once on a weekend together he asked me what I’d like to do instead of it being all about him.  Not anymore.

It’s been a week and as each day passes, I let go some more and find my way back to happy, back to me.  Today I was given another opportunity which leaves me quietly optimistic.  Throughout this I have been blessed with the presence and support of incredible friends.  I am so grateful for them.

I don’t regret a single moment with him, good or bad but it’s clear we’re on different paths and it was time to do the right thing.  It takes some of us longer than others to get to that choice point.

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