When the walls come down

It’s been a while since I’ve mentioned my relationship.  I am pleased to report that it’s going well.  I know I’ve said that before but this time it feels different.  I’m also pretty sure I know what you’re thinking and the look you’re giving me, I’ve seen it on my friends’ faces.  More importantly, through all this, I’ve learnt some important lessons along the way.

His walls are coming down.  It’s huge.  Huge. Things feel different, he makes an effort, wants to see me, and seems willing to meet me halfway.  This is big time stuff, I’ve been waiting for this for almost a year.  It was our biggest stumbling block.  I’m not sure what caused the shift, our counselling session, the fact we were no longer together and the pressure was off, that he felt heard, free and respected.  Not sure and I’m ok with not knowing, I’m just glad things have changed.

There is so much more gentleness, intimacy and softness between us.  The love I feel from him and feel in return takes my breath away.  I guess this is what it means to be vulnerable, open and loving.  It’s big stuff for me given my history and it seems pretty big for him too.  We’re in a good place together and its amazing.

In the past month I’ve closed off from a lot of friends for a variety of reasons.  Instead I’ve turned to my partner.  I’ve learned that if I take issue with something between us, I need to raise it with him and not with my friends.  It’s misspent energy, drains me and gives power to the itty bitty shitty committee.  It puts all sorts of filters between us before I’ve even had the chance to talk to him.  This is a big deal for me.  With the kind of work I’ve done I spent a lot of time talking about my problems to a lot of people.  Those patterns don’t change overnight.

So here we are in a kinder, gentler place.  Sure we have our ups and downs like everyone but it’s how we come together afterwards that counts, we’re finally building a foundation, one a healthy strong relationship can grow on.  It’s my greatest hope for us.


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