Healing

Healing.  It happens day by day, moment to moment.  One moment I’m angry and raging or crying as though my heart is breaking, the next the storm has passed and a calm comes. It gets better every day if I let it.

I’ve been looking after myself, reaching out when I need to, withdrawing when I need that too.  Clearing the emotion and energy as it comes.  With each day I feel lighter, less burdened, less hurt.  More healed, more me.

If you had told me I’d be spending Thanksgiving weekend with the man who broke my heart and whom I cursed in my previous post I wouldn’t have believed you.  But here I am.  We both love each other and care for one another, we’re just stuck in these terrible patterns that seem to destroy us every time we go down them.  I don’t know what the answer is, really I don’t.  I’m at a complete and utter loss.

For a few days this week I thought I might be pregnant.  This morning I awoke to find I wasn’t.  I can’t begin to describe the crushing sadness that took over.  I felt like I had lost my last tie to the man I still love despite everything. I would have gladly had the baby.  That’s huge for me, I swore off children years ago for fear of passing my stuff on to them.  But it was the prospect of maybe having them one day that drove me to therapy and to do the work I did on myself.  So for the first time of my life I was ready.  I know the circumstances were less than ideal but the feeling was real.

I do believe things happen for a reason and so at this time it wasn’t meant to be but I remain hopeful that one day it will happen for me and more importantly, I will be ready.

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