Closure. Do we ever really get it? It’s been two weeks since my break up with the man I thought was the one. I am seeking closure. Yet closure remains elusive right now.
He’s moved on. He says he misses me. His failsafe was always that he’d rather be alone than go through whatever challenge was happening in the relationship yet I got a hunch the other night and went online and found him on lavalife. It’s been two weeks. Obviously some of us are better at moving on than others. Must be nice.
I hesitate to even consider going back to lavalife. In my opinion it reinforces a lack of commitment, prevents engagement and is highly addictive. Not a good triple threat in my books. I know myself, how sensitive I am, how much I invest in people and how easily I get hurt. Not good grounds for someone like me to come out intact.
I met him on lavalife and in a very short time he’s gone right back. He actually kept going back while we were in a committed relationship despite me asking him not to. What does that say about his ability to commit and engage? I’d say he’s a perfect candidate for the site. I understand the behavior because I used to do the same thing, lavalife was like a drug that gave me the attention I sought but it was fickle and destructive. It swallowed me whole, chewed me up and spit me out more times than I can count.
Besides I’m not ready. I’ve done a tremendous amount of work on myself in this relationship and I continue to do so. After all, I’m the only person whose behavior I can change, right? I sought closure on the weekend when I went to visit a psychic I see every year. She’s definitely got the gift and despite my sadness she did give me the closure I needed around the break up.
So I’m sitting here with these feelings. Anger at his ability to move on so quickly and forget me. Sadness over the dream of what could have been. Loneliness because I miss the presence of another person. Emptiness because it’s over and I have nothing to fill the void with yet. I know feelings pass and these will too but in the meantime I’m swimming in them. I have moments like on the weekend and at work when I forget and then little things will come and remind me of him and the fact we’re no longer together.
I want to do things right and take the time it takes to process, to heal my heart and mend my soul. This work is not for the faint of heart is it?