The space in between

This week has been a challenging one to say the least.  Fights, anger and ugliness were omnipresent.  I realized today I haven’t even seen the man I broke up with this week, yet somehow it happened.  I guess that’s what you get for investing time, energy and effort after 6 months. 

I’d like to believe if we’d been face to face none of this would have happened.  Instead, he took the easy way out and hid behind technology.  The abuse hurled at each other left me feeling sick.  I was seething, shaking with anger, so upset at being treated so rudely, cavalierly and badly. 

The anger has evaporated and now sadness has seeped in, staying busy during the week wasn’t too hard but the weekend brings with it the gift of time.  So I’m sitting with the crapiness of the whole thing.  Occasionally tears well up, memories come unbidden at the unlikeliest times and I miss him.  Despite how badly he treated me and how ugly it got.  I have to question my sanity.  Can’t help but think my family of origin has something to do with it.

I miss our good times and what could have been if it weren’t for the madness we created together.  Because when we were good, we really were good, especially skiing.  I waited so long to find my skiing soulmate only to have him disappear all too quickly.

I’m dismayed that despite a renewed commitment to each other a week beforehand, or maybe because of it, we couldn’t or wouldn’t work it out.  I’m sad because I haven’t even seen him in a week and yet we’re broken up.  I’m disappointed because we attract mirrors and they highlight our stuff, the good and the bad, so we can work on it. 

We didn’t work.

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One thought on “The space in between

  1. Caroline says:

    Hi my dear friend,

    sorry for not replying to your emails earlier. I can see how broken hearted you are. Don’t despair, as you already know, life is full of surprises. Keep your mind open, keep your chin up. You did much more than was expected to fufill your hopes and dreams in this relationship. Now you need to focus on you.

    I read an article this morning about self-esteem. All 10 tips made so much sense to me…and told myself that I could apply all of them in my day to day stuff…and made it a commitment to do so (at least as much as I can). I would like to share one of them with you…that was the one that made my Aha moment for me:

    – Distinguish between your behavior and who you really are. As a spiritual being in a human experience, you make mistakes, even when you are consciously walking a spiritual path. But who you are in essence is Love and Light and a reflection of the Divine. So sometimes your behavior doesn’t reflect this. Make amends as appropriate, forgive yourself, and know you can make a different choice next time.

    All that I want to say is it’s ok to have gone through what you just did. It was part of your plan of growing up spiritualy. Right now, you need to take care of the tears, of the loss of dreams you had made for you two, you need to comfort yourself. And know that You are a Spiritual Being in a human world.

    With tons of love,
    Caroline

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