Processing

I’m here in this single space again.  Single but not really because my heart is still attached despite everything that doesn’t work between us, despite the pain and hurt my heart still holds on.   In limbo, I am in limbo.  I don’t like limbo, this in between space, it’s hell.  I have to let go but I don’t want to, it’s my nature to make things work, to not give up.  I am being asked to walk away.

We have taken a ‘cooling off period.’   What exactly is a cooling off period?  Is it were we let things cool between us but what does that really mean?  Is it where we fan the feelings we have for each other?  Is cooling off just a way of fence sitting?  Of not making a decision either way, of not working on our issues?  I don’t know.  Any of those answers or all of them.  So instead of ‘cooling off’ I am processing.  Lots of emotions have been coming up over the past few days.  From sadness to anger to loss. 

Anger came up because we got into a texting debacle.  Debacle is a polite term to describe what happened, it was more like an all out war.  It started innocently enough with me asking if this was really what he wanted, it wasn’t any fun and I missed him.  It turned ugly quickly.  He called me clingy and said he came to dread my phone calls.  Can you imagine?  Not something I wanted to hear from the man I was in relationship with.  At the end of it all he apologized for using those words, said they were inappropriate and wrong, however be that as it may, the damage had been done.

Contrary to popular belief words hurt.  I am all too familiar with the concept.  They can be hurtful, damaging and wounding.  His I took to heart and was hurt.  He is verbally and emotionally abusive, something his father modelled to him and despite him knowing it’s inappropriate, he does it well.  For me, it was the final straw.  I grew up with a mother who can use her words quite skillfully to inflict a host of wounds.  So I retaliated, it wasn’t pretty but I was tired of being treated like crap and got the big guns out.

I was honest, searingly honest.  I put before him his lesser traits, compared him to his father and told him he needed help.  I also said I was done investing with someone who obviously wasn’t on the same page as I was.   We spiralled.  It was ugly, awful and left me feeling icky.  I was physically shaking, my throat was on fire and I wanted a punching bag badly. 

 Anger.  It doesn’t often come up for me, I know I have challenges processing it, well there were none this time around.  It came off me in waves.  I spoke to my supports afterwards and came down gradually.  Still very hurt but I was done.  Anger can move us forward.  Needless to say, I moved out and away from someone who could be so insensitive, hurtful and downright mean.  I know it was both our inner kids driving the bus at that point, however, it was quite telling to watch it all unfold.  I’m proud of my little girl for standing up and fighting back, after all this time she gave it back in spades.  He said he was shocked.  Good.  Because his behavior has been shocking at times in this relationship to say the least.

 It is was it is, we went where we were meant to go.  I question how I attracted this man and what I have to learn from him.  What are the lessons I can draw from this experience moving forward.  Maybe this relationship was a test, a test of my self love.  I have never loved a man the way I love him and I am proud to say I have never loved myself more through it all.  A testament to the work I have done and continue to do on myself.  Bravo me.  Well done.

Today I sit in gratitude, asking the universe to help me let go some more, knowing things are unfolding as they are meant to be.

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