Today’s post is a follow-up to the Easter trip. Communication. It’s the essence of any good relationship. I’m a trained communicator, life coach, master NLP practitioner. You’d think I’d somehow be great at communicating wouldn’t you? I may be but communicating doesn’t seem to happen all that easily in my relationship. Oh I try, believe me I do. When I get triggered I get quiet, when he does he blows up and then shut downs. Fine pair aren’t we?
A few events happened over the Easter weekend which make me wonder. I believe in the 10-90 rule. 10% is the event, 90% is the reaction and so not about the event but about our own stuff. Some pretty hurtful things were said. I actually raised my voice at him, which takes a lot and he blew up in the confines of a car. Not pretty. What do you do when you fight with a loved one? How do you manage to de-escalate a situation? Obviously I need to learn new tactics because I’m struggling. We both are.
The car incident was the worst because where do you go? It’s not like you can flee. So instead I sat there while he blamed me. His anger was wholly leveled at me, he never took ownership for his stuff, not once. He became verbally and emotionally abusive. All I could see was a pissed off teenager who didn’t have any other coping skills. Anger is a cry for love. I know that, however, I am not willing to be someone’s punching bag. He may have been modelled this behaviour growing up but it is not permissible to dump all over the ones you supposedly love and think that somehow damage isn’t going to be done. I sat there wishing to be swallowed whole, wanting to be anywhere but there. I managed somehow to stay calm, adult and not react. Meanwhile I wanted to cry I was so sad, however I was told not to. Can you imagine? After all the work I’ve done to not stuff my emotions I was told not to cry. Incredible. I’m mystified how I could allow myself to be put into such a position. Me. I don’t put up with this shit from anyone and the man I love levels it at me and I take it? What the hell?
I spoke after he calmed down. He sat in the car and tuned me out with his ipod. Can you be any more childish? At one point I was so choked up I lost my voice. I know when I lose my voice it’s about what I’m not saying. I sat in that car powerless, voiceless, silenced. I felt violated. Like my personal boundaries had been kicked and trampled, like I wasn’t worthy, like I felt so often as a kid. Another opportunity for growth, right? Well I could have done without this one, trust me. I talked about the incident a few days later and expressed what I felt and layed down a boundary. I will not be present when he blows up, I refuse to be treated this way. The problem is now I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t know what will set him off. This isn’t how I want to be around him. A trust has been broken and I’m not sure I can go back to the person I was before the trust was broken with him. I know I’m wary, walled and keeping a distance. Unsure.
When damage has been done, how do you make amends and repair? I refuse to accept his apologies because it gives him permission to just repeat the same behavior and walk all over me again. How do you go forward trusting, loving and being heart centered when damage has been done?
Please weigh in because I need answers.