In repair

Today’s post is a follow-up to the Easter trip.  Communication.  It’s the essence of any good relationship.  I’m a trained communicator, life coach, master NLP practitioner.  You’d think I’d somehow be great at communicating wouldn’t you?  I may be but communicating doesn’t seem to happen all that easily in my relationship.  Oh I try, believe me I do.  When I get triggered I get quiet, when he does he blows up and then shut downs.  Fine pair aren’t we?

A few events happened over the Easter weekend which make me wonder.  I believe in the 10-90 rule.  10% is the event, 90% is the reaction and so not about the event but about our own stuff.  Some pretty hurtful things were said.  I actually raised my voice at him, which takes a lot and he blew up in the confines of a car.  Not pretty.  What do you do when you fight with a loved one?  How do you manage to de-escalate a situation?  Obviously I need to learn new tactics because I’m struggling.  We both are.

The car incident was the worst because where do you go?  It’s not like you can flee.  So instead I sat there while he blamed me.  His anger was wholly leveled at me, he never took ownership for his stuff, not once.  He became verbally and emotionally abusive.  All I could see was a pissed off teenager who didn’t have any other coping skills.  Anger is a cry for love.  I know that, however, I am not willing to be someone’s punching bag.  He may have been modelled this behaviour growing up but it is not permissible to dump all over the ones you supposedly love and think that somehow damage isn’t going to be done.  I sat there wishing to be swallowed whole, wanting to be anywhere but there.  I managed somehow to stay calm, adult and not react.  Meanwhile I wanted to cry I was so sad, however I was told not to.  Can you imagine?  After all the work I’ve done to not stuff my emotions I was told not to cry.  Incredible.  I’m mystified how I could allow myself to be put into such a position.  Me.  I don’t put up with this shit from anyone and the man I love levels it at me and I take it?  What the hell?

I spoke after he calmed down.  He sat in the car and tuned me out with his ipod.  Can you be any more childish?  At one point I was so choked up I lost my voice.  I know when I lose my voice it’s about what I’m not saying.  I sat in that car powerless, voiceless, silenced.  I felt violated.  Like my personal boundaries had been kicked and trampled, like I wasn’t worthy, like I felt so often as a kid.  Another opportunity for growth, right?  Well I could have done without this one, trust me.  I talked about the incident a few days later and expressed what I felt and layed down a boundary.  I will not be present when he blows up, I refuse to be treated this way.  The problem is now I’m walking on eggshells because I don’t know what will set him off.  This isn’t how I want to be around him.  A trust has been broken and I’m not sure I can go back to the person I was before the trust was broken with him.  I know I’m wary, walled and keeping a distance.  Unsure.

When damage has been done, how do you make amends and repair?  I refuse to accept his apologies because it gives him permission to just repeat the same behavior and walk all over me again.  How do you go forward trusting, loving and being heart centered when damage has been done?

Please weigh in because I need answers.

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4 thoughts on “In repair

  1. Liseanne says:

    Fight are never easy… that’s why they’re called fights! And, yes it’s a chance for all of us to say ‘Oh and by the way….’, some of us do it with more tact than others…. some of us vent our dissatisfactions as we go along (which for some, may come across as overly critical), but it eliminated the huge ‘by the way’!
    It would be interesting to find when the fight occurred… I noticed that I picked a fight nearly every time we were on our way to his family’s for a big dinner (such as Easter). Equally as coincidental is the fact that all my brothers would arrive at MY house having just had a fight with their wives, in the car…. on the way to my house and it happened every time! I think our insecurities regarding our loves ones’ extended families creep in and we naturally look for someone to blame….. I have been with the same man for 15 years and can honestly say now… that I no longer pick fights with him on the way to his family’s anymore for two reasons 1) I recognized it is my insecurities sparking this behaviour and 2) I love his family now that I know them better!
    Fight without a doubt are extremely negative and I have witnessed some where I thought for sure this couple has said the worst things to each other and there is no way they will ever speak to one an other again… but here they are married for 9 years, while others never fight, seem to get along extremely well and that marriage in the middle of a separation.
    I think what I am trying to say is that fighting is essential OR voicing your pet peeves about your loved one as they come along is the other way to vent… being careful not come across as overly critical – I personally have found humour to be the best tool when venting!
    This may or may not suit the context, but I really hope this helps……

  2. Diana says:

    You really do understand what is going on. Very cerebral. It can be a wall between you and natural interaction.

    However, if there are explosions, you will carry that baggage.
    Don’t settle for a relationship that you are not comfortable in.
    Been there, done that.

    The “stepmother” thing will always be there. Be prepared to be number 2.
    It has to do with biology, and parenthood.
    Diana

  3. CAPTAIN JAPAN says:

    I’ll give my advice in the form of a parable. You can make of it what you will….

    One day, according to ancient Greek legend, a poor peasant called Gordius arrived with his wife in a public square of Phrygia in an ox cart. As chance would have it, so the legend continues, an oracle had previously informed the populace that their future king would come into town riding in a wagon. Seeing Gordius, therefore, the people made him king. In gratitude, Gordius dedicated his ox cart to Zeus, tying it up with a highly intricate knot – – the Gordian knot. Another oracle — or maybe the same one, the legend is not specific, but oracles are plentiful in Greek mythology — foretold that the person who untied the knot would rule all of Asia.

    The problem of untying the Gordian knot resisted all attempted solutions until the year 333 B.C., when Alexander the Great cut through it with a sword.

  4. Hi, nice post. I have been pondering this issue,so thanks for sharing. I’ll certainly be subscribing to your site. Keep up the good work

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