Today’s post is looong overdue. Abandonment is something I’ve been grappling with for a while. I obviously grew up feeling it, not knowing what it was, having no one explain it to me and feeling bad about it. The reason I bring it up is because I’m feeling abandonment overhelmingly in my relationship. You see, my guy has his daughter every other weekend. This one happens to be one of those. His primary relationship is with his daughter, I get that at an intellectual level, I do. The problem is my little girl rears her head. The abandonment is about my stuff, it has nothing to do with him except I feel sad, angry and my walls come up and I push away.
Now pushing away and walling up are not defense mechanisms I wish to carry into my relationship, however, they are so strong they automatically come up. It takes everything I have to be aware, to stop, and allow myself to feel what I’m feeling. I know once I process those deep, old feelings they will clear out and leave room for good stuff to come. Otherwise a case of the crazies comes and I over react from a little girl place to not having a phone call returned for example.
Not for the faint of heart I assure you. To step back and not go spiralling down the rabbit hole. To allow myself to feel the feelings, process and come through on the other side knowing I am going to be happier, healthier and whole. I’m sitting with this stuff now and it stinks. I know it’ll get better. Like the sun piercing through the clouds on a grey day. The warmth and light will find me again, I have to have faith, trust and know it will all work out. All will be well.