Today’s post has been percolating for a few days. It’s funny what happens when a dam breaks, there is an initial gush then a constant flow till whatever has come up passes. I am not talking about water but rather, emotions. I saw my counsellor last week and it seems I found a crack in the dam, the waters flowed and haven’t stopped since. The tears come in spurts. I have learnt that there is a thought before an emotion occurs. Not the other way around. All weekend, despite being with the man I love or maybe because of it, I was doing dam control.
I realized a lot of the stuff being kicked up was old. Past pain, grief from when I was younger I guess. I can identify all the thoughts which came before each burst. I was watching the movie Twilight again and I lost it in two places. One where Edward tells Bella he will love her forever and the other when she says death is easy, living is hard. I am tired. Emotionally wrung out. Tired of battling my demons. I know I need to allow myself to feel and release all this. Name it, tame it, claim it right? So much easier said than done. Part of me is afraid, afraid that once I dip my toe in the murky stuff it will swallow me whole. Irrational thought. I have been in the murky hole, I know what it looks like and I’ve gotten myself out of it before. I also know I have a choice, I can step out of it. My body will only allow what I can handle to come. I have to trust.
Other thoughts came on the weekend. Thoughts like I’m tired of being so strong all the time and doing it all alone. Thoughts like I miss my family or at least my idea of one. Thoughts like I don’t like Sundays because it means the weekend and my time with the man I love is over. I start shutting down when those thoughts come, protecting, wary. All I wanted to do when I got home was curl up with my cat and keep the world at bay.
I got sick. Really sick. Being a reiki practitioner I believe in energy and the importance of looking after ones self before others. I’ve learnt the lesson the hard way. No matter what I did last night, whatever came over me laid me flat out. My sinus flared, my head was in a vice grip and I got sick. I had conversations with the Universe, nothing helped. It was all I could do to make it to bed and stop the world from spinning.
I awoke a few hours later, the pain reduced to a dull ache, ate my favorite snack and read for hours till I drifted off again. This morning the pain is gone but something lingers around the edges so I’m wary. I know myself, I know my body manifests whatever it is I am processing and in the literal sense it manifests.
I also know I’m going to be ok, that whatever happens I am going to be ok. This too shall pass. Furthermore it’s ok to feel what I’m feeling and to just be. To reach out and ask for help. Ask. It defies the notion of being alone if you ask. So I’m asking. Universe bring it on. I’m tired of going around in circles. Bring me my opportunity. I’m tired of being jobless, broke and worried about money. Show me what it is I am meant to do and lead me to it please.