A long distance love affair

Today’s post has been simmering on the back burner for a while, things have come to a head lately in my relationship which has prompted me to consider what it feels like to be in a long distance one.  Now I’ve been in them before, having been in the military for a few years, they were inevitably part of the package.  I never guessed I’d feel like I was in one when we both live in the same city.

It’s funny because I remember thinking at some point in the not too distant past about how great it would be to be in a long distance relationship.  You don’t have to deal with the routine disagreements because your time together is precious, you’re always happy to see each other, you have little demands on your time when you’re not together.  Well in light of my current situation that’s all a load of bullocks.  Not seeing each other sucks.  Big time.  Especially when you live in the same city, well almost.

I’ve written about his limited availability before, it was a major point of contention and one of the reasons we split after a month.  It’s funny how some things keep coming back to bite us in the proverbial ass.  I was ok with his lack of time when we reconciled, really I was.  But in the past week I’ve seen him one on one for 2 hours.  2 hours.  Yup.  That’s it.  Now don’t get me wrong I spent an amazing time over the weekend with he and his daughter skiing together but it’s not the same kind of time now is it?

Time.  To me it’s our most precious gift, I have been painfully reminded of this fact in my relationship.  Not seeing him, not being able to share the little things that comprise our days and the passage of time are pretty important components to me in any relationship, especially with the man I love.  I am really struggling because we seem to be at an impasse. 

His ex is finally moving out in 3 weeks but that means I have to drive 45 minutes each way to spend any kind of time with him during the week.  While I’m not working that may be alright but if I am, it’s certainly not.  He refuses to spend the night at my place during the week because he doesn’t sleep well in my tiny bed.  Frankly, I’m not in a position financially to be able to to afford to drive out to his place every other night, nor do I want to.  Every other weekend he has his daughter so that leaves us with finite amounts of time. 

The drive itself isn’t the issue here.  There are bigger issues being leveraged.  I feel like I have to adapt and give in to his wants when he won’t even spend a night at my place during the week.  It’s not fair.  The words of a friend I spoke to today haunt me: “If he really wanted to see you, he’d make the effort and the excuses would fall away.”  Is that really the case?  I know he loves me but my doubts are niggling away at me.  I don’t want the itty bitty shitty committee to take center stage and destroy this relationship again.  I love him but I am seriously beginning to wonder if we will work. 

My friend brought up another point that’s got me thinking.  He’s getting annoyed with me, he knows me well and knows what I’m capable of and I guess listening to me put up with this stuff is getting to him.  He said: “If a guy is into a relationship you can tell, if not then it’s your choice to stick around or not.  If you stick around, then you should get no sympathy because it’s your choice and that is what you want as treatment no watter what you say.”  Harsh words but there is definitely some truth to them and they do have me thinking about what I am willing to put up with in this relationship.

We enter into relationships with people who are mirrors for us.  This single fact never ceases to amaze me.  One of the reasons I am being challenged so much and why things can also be so good is because we are perfect mirrors for each other.  We both come from families where dysfunction reigns, we have issues with financial and weight management.  He has a young daughter who is the mirror image of what I must have been like at her age if only I could remember. 

No surprises.  The Universe delivers again.  I love this man and I really want things to work.  Neither of us have had models of what a healthy relationship looks like so both he and I are in unchartered territory.  I tend to get distracted from working on my stuff by men and I have to keep pulling the focus back to me so I can feel.  I am great at running away from my feelings.  Especially past pain, because really who in their right mind wants to feel that crap? 

So here I am sitting with it all when really all I want to do is for him to wrap his arms around me and keep the monsters at bay.  Now if that doesn’t sound childlike I don’t know what does.  Another opportunity for growth is here.  Cold comfort right now.

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