Fear

Today’s post in on fear.  I shudder at the very title, especially after speaking of the law of attraction and what we focus on expands.  Fear.  It’s part of our human range of emotions.  The reason I bring it up is because I’m feeling fear lately.  Anxiety producing, gut wrenching, paralyzing fear.  In the NLP world we call it being up against our half inch of fear, in therapy we’ve learnt we’re rubbing up against our comfort zone.  I must be, big time.

I know how to shift out of fear, I do.  On the other hand, I also know I have to let it come, feel, be present and sit with it.  Let it wash over me and know I’ll come out on the other side, cleansed, having grown, stronger.  If I stuff the feeling it’ll come back in other, more insidious ways because what we resist persists. 

Why am I afraid?  On the outside nothing could be farther from the truth.  I project a strong, confident image, a no nonsense attitude.  Inside is a different story.  Intimacy means in to me see.  I have let someone in and I’m afraid.  He loves me and I’m afraid.  He thinks we might just work and I’m afraid.  None of it makes sense from a rational perspective because this is what I want, right?  This isn’t rational, what I’m feeling has nothing to do with rational.  I so want to be the person who can just go with the flow, trust and have faith.  Oh I have those moments, I do.  Maybe it’s my itty bitty shitty committee acting up.

I know when I think of my skiing soul mate my heart swells, I know what that space feels like, it’s where I want to be, it’s what I’ve envisioned.  I hold the feeling like a candle against the darkness, keeping my demons at bay.

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