Today’s post is again a reflection on love. I am a big believer in the law of attraction, what we focus on expands, whether we are consciously thinking about it or not, it even operates at the subconscious level. I spent a lot of time, energy and effort in an empty search for love and fulfillment in different partners only to discover the answer lies within me and that is to love myself. When I vibrate self-love and send it out to the Universe, I attract a resonate vibration and love finds me.
I am now at a crossroads. My task is a simple yet challenging one, not to seek love but instead to focus on all the ways I can be more loving. I realized I have built barriers against love within me. These barriers are proving themselves to be omnipresent lately. Relationships shake up our stuff and can cause growth and healing at a fast rate if we let them. I’m being shaken. A lot. It seems I have constructed a fortress around my heart and the test now is to allow the barriers to come down, to let another in and trust.
I haven’t seen much of my skiing soul mate lately for different reasons, all of which make sense but I am being triggered big time at a very basic level. I clearly have abandonment issues. Whenever abandonment perceived or real occurs, my inner kid revolts, pushes away and runs. It’s up to me to take control of the bus. It’s amazing after all the work I’ve done that these primary beliefs keep operating. I catch myself reacting and wonder who this is. It’s not the wise, intelligent, grown up me it’s primal and immediate and it takes everything I have to be aware, reign it in and act differently.
I’ve only become aware of this pattern lately, I’ve had friends hold up a mirror, it’s there. I want to change. It’s causing friction in my relationship when things don’t go as planned or my way. I come off the rails, become petulant and childish, so not me. I provoke and push back, not effective ways of getting support or keeping lines of communication open. I’m working on it.
What I’ve attracted is an opportunity to grow. I’m grounded, growing and loving.