Today’s post is a hopeful one. After the upheaval of the past few weeks, it’s time for something more positive, isn’t it? I hesitate to even write in case I jinx something good that seems to be developing.
I’ve shifted. Big time. I saw the man I was in relationship with for the first time since our split this week, we coached together at a ski hill one night. I was determined to be professional, cool and collected. Getting back into coaching ski racing is something I’ve been excited about doing and when the opportunity came up to do so where I teach skiing, I jumped on it. I was curious to see how I’d be around him. I set a fine training course, something I haven’t done in many years and let events take their course. I was surprised at how easy it was to be around him.
We both ran the course a few times, coached the kids and generally got along well with each other. He and I have always been great on the hill, we share a passion for skiing, racing and push each other in a good way. It’s easy. That’s the best way to describe my time with him. Easy. It seems like the storm that was raging, this entity that came alive between us because I was triggered by things from the past is over. And I mean over. There’s nothing there anymore, just peace and ease.
We went out for a little bit afterwards, again easy. We caught up. I’ve seen him again since, curious, wanting to spend quality time with him with no pressure and no expectations. I was tentative, wary, waiting for something to come up but there’s nothing anymore. I feel at peace with this man. What’s more is that the storm seems to have cleared up the big stuff and let the good things between us remain. We still care about each other. We’ve missed each other. We talked and I’m not sure where it may go but I’m willing to take things slow. He means a lot to me and I just want to enjoy the time we get with each other. He feels like home to me. There are no better words.
It’s as if I had to go through the storm with this man, let it rage and subside after we split and now there seems to be nothing but calm waters. I know how I want to feel in love. I’ve processed, sifted through, gleaned the lessons and insights and I trust myself to take actions appropriately and calmly. We talked for hours last night, about what I went through when we split, how I felt, the depths of pain that I couldn’t have imagined existed and where I am now. He understands, knew it was bigger than him and that I needed to go through it to be where I am now.
I feel hopeful, calm and at peace with everything. This relationship will go where it goes. The drama is gone and in its place is a quiet resolve to do things differently. To truly appreciate the moments together, each other and to never lose sight of how I feel when I touch that magic I create with him.