Today’s post is on grieving, healing, and clarity. What a difference a day makes. A heart, gut and soul wrenching goodbye filled with tears, sadness, hugs and love. A letting go of epic proportions. Huge for me. Letting go has always been one of my biggest challenges, probably stemming from a sense of abandonment, aloneness and loss as a child. I’ve always felt somehow different, seperate from others. Thus control has been a huge driver in my life and with time, life experience and wisdom has come an awareness of focusing on the things I can control and letting the rest fall away. I can’t control how people think, feel or care for me. I can’t force them to be in a relationship they don’t want to be in.
More importantly I’ve come to realize in the work I’ve done that I’m incredibly unique, gifted and special and I was born 100% worthy. I’m an athlete, an artist, a sports psychology consultant, a master neuro-linguistics practitioner and reiki practitioner. I have gifts that defy the physical realm, am an extraordinary life coach and can quickly help shift people into themselves and more positive realities. I am a healer and realized the person I had to heal most was myself. So I have to be grateful to the man I was with for a month. A month.
He came at a point when I was spiraling down, he provided comfort, attention and a distraction from my aloneness and self imposed isolation. We spent part of December and the holidays together. The love is the gift I wish to remember. He was my Christmas gift and a stark reminder that despite all the work I’ve done I still need to forgive my father. Even though I thought I had, I haven’t. This man is living proof I haven’t. There are too many commonalities between he and my father to attest to anything different. Incredible.
I need to be gentle with myself as it took me a while to walk into the woods, over 30 years of patterning and a tenth of that time to learn to do things differently. Who knows what the old me would have done? Probably stuck it out longer. New me is all about integrity and my number one value in relationships is trust. This relationship was based on a lie. He was in relationship when he sought me out and avoided telling his ex girlfriend about me because he is still living with her, thus hurting us both in the process. Karma, it so rocks.
He was my kryptonite, draining my energy. I am so grateful for the bigger gift. Once I truly forgive my father I will attract something wholly different and it will knock me off my feet and rock my world. I believe.