Growing in love

Today’s post is a reflection on where I’ve been at lately.  It’s been a month since I’ve met the man I love.  I feel as though I’ve disappeared somewhere, dropped off the face of the earth, vanished.  How is it that when we are in love suddenly our world compresses and seems to revolve around another person?  Should we not instead grow, expand and align with another?  I know intellectually the answer is the latter.

The problem is I seem to attract men who are in some way, shape or form unavailable.  This man is busy, he has a daughter from a previous marriage whom he sees one night a week and every other weekend.  He works and sees clients in the evenings two nights a week and then coaches another night.  My question is this:  where do I fit in?  Now the imbalance is magnified by the fact I’m not working at the moment which is going to change very soon.  I’ve gone back to my activities and looking for work is a full time job.

My biggest problem is this: when he met me he was in a relationship with someone else.  He ended things just after we met but they share an apartment and he still goes back to that apartment instead of me.  The man snores like a freight train and my bed is tiny, so on the whole, understandable.  His guilt is allowing her to stay there while she finds a house.  More importantly, he doesn’t want to tell her about me because it would make his living situation with her unbearable.  A mess.

Since the holidays are over, reality has set in.  With it a cold starkness of what this situation really is and what I need to do to take my power back.  I came to a point a week ago where I was ready to walk away and tell him to sort out his living situation and figure things out.  I love this man and I’d like a future with him but the timing seems to be off.  I believe we would make a dynamite couple, we both get a lot from each other and share an incredible passion for skiing.  The reality is I feel left out on a long list of priorities and let’s face it, he’s still in relationship with another woman.  I’m proud of myself in that I have quickly realized how unsustainable this place is for me but my heart oh my heart.  I need to protect it, I have to be able to put my needs first and look after me.

The push-pull of love.  Shouldn’t things be easy?  Shouldn’t the most difficult decision be on what kind of movie to see?  Would I be in this space if things were working well, right and meant to be?  So many questions, very few answers.

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