Reflections on taming demons

Today’s post isn’t going to be on dating.  I’m in a subdued, reflective mood.  You see tomorrow night is medallion night, in recovery circles it’s a graduation of sorts.  A chance to be recognized for the work done in recovering the missing pieces of self.  Tomorrow night is my graduation night, a celebration of a year’s worth of group therapy.  You see I’m a daddy’s girl and my dad just happens to be an alcoholic.  This doesn’t make me love him any less, he’s human like the rest of us and has his own demons.  It has affected me in ways big and small.

Tomorrow night I plan to stand up and receive my medallion and say a few words.  Words of thanks to an organization that has brought me the greatest gift, my salvation.  My journey started three years ago when my father threatened to disown me after I had spent more money than I had and plowed myself into debt.  Spending was my therapy, my way of trying to fill the void deep inside me.  I still remember that night, it will forever be seared into my memory because it was the only time I saw my father cry.  The pain and shame I felt that night I never wish to feel ever again. 

Two year long rounds of group therapy and countless sessions of counselling later I am a changed person with a deep awareness of my path and a great appreciation for the work I’ve done and how far I’ve come.  I’m not the same person I was when I started down this path, I’m a better person, more healthy, happier and whole.  I’ve faced my demons, looked them straight in the eyes and taken them on, one by one. 

I’ve faltered along the way, falling back into old patterns with men, however, the incidents are fewer and farther apart and my time extricating myself from them has shortened.   Progress.  I’ve also found glimmers of what I was ultimately seeking: peace.  Profound, deep and blissful peace.  The moments are fleeting but present nonethteless.  So on the eve of this celebration I feel a profound gratitude and hope in what the future may bring.  There is light at the end of every tunnel.

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One thought on “Reflections on taming demons

  1. Lisa says:

    Hey you…..this is an incredibly candid post. I would like to commend you for your honesty and authenticity. We all have parents that cause us pain, and all of our parents have their share of pain too. The journey to figure this out is a challenging one. One that is often difficult to talk about. I commend you for your honesty, your progress, your courage and also want to tell you that you are not the person you fear. you are a great individual and should be proud of who you are. I also think that if you like to read you might enjoy You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L Hay. I am reading it right now and think that every person can benefit in some way from her work.

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