Trusting

Today’s post is on being faithful.  The bedrock of any relationship is trust isn’t it?  Trust is what makes relationships grow, blossom and thrive.   Without it relationships just aren’t possible.  Trust is destroyed by someone who cheats.  I come back to the topic again because it is close to my heart.  I have to avow something very personal and be searingly honest here, by doing so I may be blowing any chance I have of ever finding Mr Right but here goes.  I have yet to have a relationship where I haven’t cheated on someone.  Now the circumstances surrounding those instances were not good, the relationships were going through a rough patch and I needed to assert myself.  Or so I thought.  I needed to know I still had it, that elusive je ne sais quoi.

When we go to another’s arms it is for a multitude of reasons isn’t it?  First and foremost I think intimacy is lacking, we’ve grown accustomed and lazy and all of a sudden an opportunity proffers itself and by jumping into it we somehow feel more alive.  I’ve been a mistress to a man for four years.  Four years.  That’s a long time.  During that time I still sought out relationships, mistakenly thinking such a thing could be possible while involved.  Not so.

It took me a long time and lots of therapy to figure out the circumstances surrounding my unfaithfulness.  I grew up with an emotionally unavailable father figure.  So I sought out my father in the men I dated.  The man I was a mistress to represents him and gave me what I thought I couldn’t get from my father.  On another level I simply believed I was not worthy of being loved, of a good relationship and of happiness.  How things have changed.  The blinders removed.  The trust and love I had to nurture in myself before I could love another.  It’s still an uphill battle and there are days when I slide but they are far less often and I genuinely believe I deserve to truly be happy and loved.

There the skeletons are out of the closet, exposed to the light.  Please don’t judge me too harshly.

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