The catalyst for change began before I left for a 2 week holiday to the Bahamas.   

I was working a high end retail job that no matter how hard I tried to convince myself was good just wasn’t for me.  In a superfcial world of clothing making someone feel good about themselves is important but all the clothes in the world won’t fill the void inside.  As a former shopaholic I know that all too well. So when it ended I was relieved.

I know that 2012 is about love and compassion.  As a change agent, I cannot force change, instead I have to let people struggle or thrive and figure it out on their own while offering guidance when necessary.  I could feel the change coming in December.  I was no longer content with the status quo in my own life or in my relationship.

It’s fair to say that 2011 was a tough year for me by choice.  I chose to hide.  Hide from my power, hide from those who love me because I did not feel worthy and consequently hide from the world. It’s sad really but I truly believe it took the heartache, sadness and struggle to be where I am now.

My holiday was about perspectve and I got it in spades.  It truly is possible to be miserable in paradise.  The adage of wherever you go there you are holds true. There were moments of incredible beauty, joy and awe, however, it felt like I had work to do.

So I processed surrounded by my family.  I got to practice letting go with love.  I got to be triggered and have yet another opportunity for growth.  I got to speak my truth and recite the serenity prayer over and over again. I got to experience laughter, love and joy too.

The most important outcome of the trip was twofold: I discovered my brother as an adult after a 20 year hiatus and I came back to myself.

So here I am standing in this new found space. 

The decisions I made and goals I set for myself in the Bahamas are changing and evolving with the reality here in Ottawa.  Instead of cutting out what doesn’t work, an old pattern, I have learnt to stay open and receptive and to work towards change with someone instead of alone.

It’s a pretty great space to be in.

I will keep you posted.

I’ve gone up and down and finally, blessedly, leveled out.  Feels good to be where I am, back to my self.  Like flying, life is about going to higher elevations and sometimes along the journey you hit those precious air pockets that make you drop before you level out again.

Feels like a calm ocean now.  Sometimes waves come but I flow with them or do my best to.  There has been much to be grateful for in the process.  A new job I truly enjoy and align with.  Increased exposure to my passion in sports psychology and a return to more frequent calls with my clients.  An injection of energy and passion into my art.  A return to self which has had a ripple effect in all areas of my life, personal, relationship and family.  Overall, it’s been a pretty rich experience for which I am truly grateful.

In this vein I have taken on the 30 day abundance challenge set forth by Tonya Davidson, a pretty cool lady and fellow artist.  Here are the details:

My 30 day challenge to you is to give away something every day for the next 30 days starting today for the goodness of others and ultimately bringing you abundance.

If you seek love, give love. Give away a hug a day.
If you seek money, give money, even if it’s a dollar or a quarter a day.
If you seek time, give away some of your time every day to help others.
If you seek happiness, give gratitude and thanks to others each day.

Are you in?

I love this idea and will set forth, as of today, to give away every day.

I will count my blessings, feel truly grateful and amazed for all the beauty, love and peace around me because it is around us all. You just have to look.

I try and stay away from heavy topics on this blog but my summer has been a little disconcerting.

I’ve been riding a rollercoaster of mood swings most of the summer.  The highs and lows are troubling and tiring. The good news is I’ve made an appointment to see a biochemist to see whether my moods can be regulated.  I have been resisting chemical solutions as I’m not a big believer in western medicine.

The highs are better than the lows.  High productivity, accelerated idea generation combined with restlessness and little sleep.  The lows are not so great: tears, depressed mood and loads of sleep.

This cyclical pattern has been present for years.  As much as I like the productivity I don’t like the lows at all, I’d really like a more even life.

The impacts have been far reaching on my life, my relationship and work.

Here’s hoping the solution lies in brain chemistry so I can look forward to smoother sailing, I will keep you posted.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him.  A year ago I wrote a post in his honor. To commemorate his passing I’m going to write another today.

I miss him a lot. I miss the way he made me feel, his laugh and hugs.  I miss how he always managed to bring out Natalie light somehow.

Last night I was flooded with memories of our time together. Like the time we went camping and a storm hit overnight knocking down trees yet we managed to stay cozy and dry because James rigged a system of tarps. Like the many times we went out dancing. Or the time we went for a walk and came upon a nudist.

So many great memories of us playing crazy eights or having dinner together.  James was like family, there was an ease to him that instantly made me comfortable in his presence.

I miss him so much sometimes it hurts but I can imagine him causing havoc in heaven where I’m sure everyone knows his name. 

I know he’s with me, looking out for me. I talk to him a lot. Yet after a year there’s still a huge void in my life where he used to be.

Rest in peace James.  My world was a better place because you were in it.

I’ve been consistently waking up at 3:30 or thereabouts.  Numerology friends please weigh in.

 Consequently I’m falling asleep at 9:30 on the couch and dragging during the day.

I’ve now gotten a nasty sore throat.  Apparently I’m holding in angry words. Sigh.

I’m not whining but I can’t believe what’s manifesting lately.  I’ve been told according to the Mayan calendar it’s a challenging time now.  Really?  I hadn’t noticed. 

My only question is: when is it over?

There’s a lot of good stuff:

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

Dorothy Law Nolte

I’m pretty sure we’ve all said things we’ve later regretted.

Lately I’ve been greatly affected by something a parent said.  I called looking for support and instead got tough love in the form of a sermon.  Not something I appreciate or works for me.

I was told some pretty harsh things such as I’ve screwed up every job I’ve ever done.  Nice eh? That one stung.

I hesitated even speaking about it here because I’ve attempted to make my blog a positive one, however, I saw an opportunity to share some important lessons learned around the event.

When it happened I was devastated. I tried to remind myself that my parent’s model of the world was very different from mine.

It took a long time for the energy around the conversation to dissipate and for the words to stop haunting me.

Words have power, be careful how you use them.

I believe things happen for a reason and that there is also a component of free will attached when it comes time to making decisions. The premise of the movie is that our lives are unfolding according to a predetermined plan.

What do you think?  Do you think your life unfolds according to a plan and that everything happens for a reason? Or do you believe your life is what you make of it?

Weigh in, I’m curious to know what you think.

I try and live my life with no regrets but when I think about it there’s plenty I’d go back and change.  Mostly around some poor choices I made which ended up hurting others.

It’s food for thought isn’t it?  What would you go back and change if you could?  I’m all about lessons learned and believe that what others perceive as failure is more like feedback but the idea interests me nonetheless.

Tell me what you think, I’m curious.

I have a new single speed thanks to my partner and I intend on riding it all along the parkway this summer.  It’s so much fun!

I want to start roller blading again.  I have a pair of roller blades sitting in the basement that are just begging to be taken out and used again

Do an aerial course.  Camp Fortune has one.

Get out and kayak.  I sold my kayak and am looking to replace it with a flat water one and get out on the water.

Swim my lake at least three times.  My childhood lake, so peaceful and doing the lake is a good swim.

How about you?  What would your top 5 things to do this summer?  Do tell.